Hi, I’m Donald Trump.
Hi, Donald.
And I’m bein’ told… that I’m a dummy.
Yes, Donald. Yes, you are.
Like, what am I doin’ wrong?
Everything.
I mean, everybody’s blamin’ me for inflation! The whole point of the campaign was I was gonna fix inflation.
All right, there are at least two reasons why the prices went up.
Okay.
…Do you know what they are?
….
Well, let’s go over them. The first one is tariffs, which pass directly to the consumer.
No they don’t. They pass to the foreigners.
No. They do not.
The point is, the whole point of what I’m doin’ is to get away from progressive taxation. Any time you hear ‘progressive’, it’s bad. Cause it takes money from rich people. Like me. Before we had a federal income tax, we paid for everything with tariffs. And it helped that government wasn’t paying for that much. Like, say, welfare. Or highways.
So you’re using tariffs in order to phase out the income tax.
Yeah.
Which would pass all the economic burdens from the upper percentile, who have more money than anybody else but need to spend the least, to the vast majority of voters, who have less disposable income because they have less budget already.
Well, who cares about them. All they can do is vote every four years. Rich people can bribe me every day.
Okay, then the second thing is the Iran War.
That’s still on?
Uh, yeah.
I ended it.
Why is there still a blockade and why is Iran still attacking ships in the Strait of Hormuz?
Beats me, I got nothin’ to do with it.
But it’s still going on.
No it’s not, and anyway, it’s not a war. It’s an “excursion.” Like, with what I did with E. Jean Carroll. Or a “special military operation.” That’s what Vladimir calls Ukraine. He’s my best friend in the whole wide world.
Yes sir. But, the reason it matters is that Iran wouldn’t have had the opportunity to choke the Strait if we hadn’t attacked them. But now they have no reason not to, which is why they’re doing it. So 20 percent of the world’s petroleum comes through the Strait. That affects prices on everything, even in this country, which makes its own oil, because of an artificial global scarcity.
Okay.
Rising fuel prices include air travel. And trucks. Airplanes and trucks transport goods. Like groceries.
Groceries! Did you know that’s a word? A word I invented. Groceries.
Yes sir. But if prices rise on transport of groceries, prices go up on groceries. And across the board. That’s why inflation is going up so much.
It’s worth it. As soon as this is all over, and we’re makin’ a deal any day now, it’s a great deal, better than Barack HUSSEIN Obama, all those prices are gonna drop like a rock. Or my polls.
Why is it worth it?
Because we can have some stress in the economy for a little while. This war’s only goin’ on, like, two months! World War II was four years. Vietnam was about twelve! I could make this go on A LOT longer! If I wanted to, it could go twenty years!
You’ll still be president then?
Yeah! The point is, we need to do this until Iran surrenders. I mean they rape women! They shoot dissidents! Even more than I do! Because the whole point is, I say this over and over, is Iran can never be allowed to have a nuclear weapon.
True. I mean recent history shows how dangerous it is to let a deranged government have a nuclear weapon.
Exactly!
And how are we making this deal?
Well, it’s like every other deal I make. I want someone to do something, and they better do it, or I sic lawyers on them and make them go bankrupt or put ’em in jail.
That doesn’t work with other countries.
It worked with Greenland.
We don’t own Greenland.
Yeah right. Next you’re gonna tell me Canada isn’t a state.
So as we understand it, part of this deal is the negotiation you’re having this week with China.
It’s gonna be great. I understand they have McDonald’s there now.
What are we going to do there?
Well, we need to give them incentives. Like Congress had a bill authorizing 2 billion or so in military aid to Taiwan. President Xi doesn’t like that. I could kill the deal. That would be one thing we would offer.
But sir, a lot of your own Republicans support Taiwan. Siding with mainland China would be abandoning a friendly democracy and turning it over to a brutal one-party regime.
You’re saying ‘brutal one-party regime’ like it’s a BAD thing.
And there’s something else. We got into the Iran war at the behest of Bibi Netanyahu in Israel –
No no no no no. I’m not taking orders from Bibi. We got into this war because we knew they were going to attack Iran anyway.
But we had to join in?
Why should they have all the fun?
But Israel is even more determined to destroy the Tehran government than you are. If you and China make a deal for peace with Iran, how do you know Israel won’t just attack anyway?
They need to go along.
Or else?
Look, all these people, like Jaimie Diamond and Miriam Adelson, who support me and Bibi, they need to take sides. They can take or leave Bibi. They can’t take me for granted. He’s younger. I’m pushing 80 years old and need to cram for a test so I can tell a doggie from a horsie.
Serious question, regardless of which president is in charge, why do we need to build our foreign policy goals around Israel?
Well, all the preachers who counsel me, they say it’s important for Christianity.
Do you know what Christianity is, sir?
Yeah, sure.
Explain it then. Who is Jesus and what is his purpose?
Okay, great. Well. Once upon a time there was this guy named Jesus. Real great guy. He could heal sick people without making us pay taxes for health care. He could turn water into wine, or sugar into cocaine. And he came to preach about God in Jerusalem. And all these ‘experts’ in the priesthood didn’t like that. So they accused him of blasphemy. Total setup. Rigged. Like the Joe Biden election. If he had my lawyer, I woulda gotten him off. So they wanted to kill Jesus, but Israel was under Roman occupation and they needed them to do it. The Jews, they needed to have this big, strong, imperial power do their dirty work for them.
Mm hmm.
So they got the Romans to nail him to a cross, which is what they did to Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis. Real nasty. You just get stretched on a frame hanging so that your body collapses on its own weight and you die. I’m pretty sure that Jesus took a shit then.
Really.
Well, they say that’s what happens, when you lost your automatic functions, the bowels just give out. I’ve been thinking a lot about losing control of your bowels lately.
But anyway.
So, the neat thing is, he came back! He came back to life, cause God loved him so much. All those Democrats thought he was done for good, but he showed them. So, he wakes up, in the tomb, he rolls the stone from the entry, and he walks outside. And he turns around. And he sees his shadow. And that’s why we celebrate six more weeks of winter.
Yes sir. So – do you know what they call a leader when he deliberately jacks up prices to make himself rich, wrecks the economy even more by starting a MidEast war that endangers the global oil supply, and undermines his own strategic position in the hopes that other nations will help fix the problem he started?
No, what?
Well, the polite word is ‘dummy.’