The following is the transcript from the July 16, 2026 speech of Donald Trump (Our greatest President since Jesus Himself), presented for the benefit of those like the 99 percent of his peasantry who didn’t bother to watch.
Hey there.
We got a lotta problems in this country. In 1920, we had the deep state. As opposed to the shallow state I got now. And back then, the deep state, they fought like hell not to have Donald Trump win the election. So the government was directly involved in rigging the election in 2020. Whoever was in charge at the White House, he was one evil and corrupt son of a bitch.
U.S. adversaries, including Russia, China, Iran and North Korea, have the capability to compromise U.S. election infrastructure. They’re vulnerable and they’re easily compromised, and people within our government knew that. Our government has long known these machines are extremely exposed to attacks. So since I got back in the White House, I’ve been doing everything I can to slash our intelligence agencies and make the problem even worse. It’s all part of my plan to take away everything the government does except give me new opportunities for bribery.
Our elections are worse than you got in any third world country. Like, where you only get to vote for one candidate, and if ya try voting in someone else, they can send the cops to put you in prison. So since we’re worse, we need to rise up to the standards of a third world country where if ya try voting for someone besides the president, we can put ya in prison.
And who’s the president right now? Why, it’s your favorite president! ME!
YAY!
One of the problems is, we have all these illegals. My Department of Homeland Security has identified 278,000 illegals were voting in this country. Now, fortunately we’ve deported some of them and killed a lot more. How many of each? I DUNNO! I just throw out a bunch of statistics like I know what they mean so you think I know what I’m talkin’ about!
So you might ask, Sir, if the election was rigged and stolen, does that mean you were elected in 2020? Yes! And THEN ya might ask, hey waitaminute, if you were elected twice, Sir, you weren’t eligible to run in 2024, right? Cause of term limits in the Constitution? WHAT term limits? WHAT Constitution? Here’s the thing, you all voted for me despite everybody not in my party reminding me I gave you all Trump Virus
(tm) in 2020, showing you coverage of me slurring my words and swaying to opera music on the campaign tour for 40 minutes at a time, and showing you what a flaming clusterfuck I was gonna be even compared to the last term, AND YOU VOTED FOR ME ANYWAY!!! You and all the soyboy bitches who wouldn’t vote for Kamala because she wouldn’t fight Netanyahu on Gaza! How ya like Gaza NOW, bitches? Every time you cry, a Palestinian dies. And I get a woody.
Who cares if I have a third term. I won. Since I won, I can do whatever I want. You elected me God. That’s right. I AM YOUR LORD AND GOD. I can kill you by staring at the TV camera. I can stop the Sun in the sky by threatening it with a lawsuit!
OBEY MY EVERY WHIM OR YER GETTIN’ THE EPSTEIN TREATMENT!!!
Hey, did I say that? Fuck. We can edit this later, right?
Did I mention I’m terminally semile and have no internal filer??
I expect you all to pray to me now. I am willing to cure cancer, venereal disease, hemorrhoids and death. For perfectly reasonable service fees!
—
In reaction to the speech, Senator Mark Warner (D.-Virginia) said, “As an American, I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that the President of the United States tried to speak to the whole nation with a whole series of falsehoods, accusations, I believe, aimed at trying to undermine confidence in our system.”
No, he really said that. As opposed to, “put the rabid monkey in a cage and throw the cage away.”