Feburary 7, 2023
President Joseph Robinette Biden
Good Evening.
My fellow Americans… I had this big, over an hour long speech set up to go, and then I realized it wasn’t gonna make any difference. The State of the Union speech doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t convince anybody who’s not already in the President’s party, it’s just something you have to do, and nobody cares anymore. I mean look, they’ve got Sarah Huckabee Sanders doing the opposition response tonight, which should show you how much Republicans care about serious discussion.
So I threw it out, and, in consultation with Barack Obama’s anger management translator, I’m just going to lay out what I think right now.
I see we’ve got a lot of celebrities in the audience tonight. Like Bono from U2. He’s probably here to steal my rhymes cause he hasn’t come up with anything good since “Vertigo.” No, really. I mean, Bono, if you guys wanted to do a Ramones tribute, why didn’t you do what Motorhead did and write something that actually sounds like a Ramones song?
A lot of people are here cause they’re just expected to be. They don’t wanna be here. Like Samuel Alito. Congratulations on becoming Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, by the way. At least you act like it.
And then there’s Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene. Yeah, I see you guys. Yeah, same to you. Hey, I gotta ask, why are you both wearing the “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirt?
Seriously, Margie, congratulations on becoming Speaker of the House. I know you worked hard for it.
(Looks over his shoulder) I said what I said.
But that kind of gets to why I’m here tonight. If the State of the Union speech serves anything, it’s for the President to lay out where he thinks our country is in the world right now, and the strength of our country, and what we can do to preserve or improve it. And to the point: The state of our Union is strong. But threatened.
And the point I want to make tonight is that none of that threat is really from outside. We are by far the most powerful economy, in the world. We have by far the most powerful military, in the world. We have, this week, set up a 2.2 billion dollar aid package for Ukraine in its defense against Russia. Now, do you remember, the first time Trump got impeached, it was when new President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was asking for military aid to deal with a Russian backed insurgency in his country, and Trump said, sure, you get that money, if you do us a favor. And that favor was doing opposition research against me, before I’d even really started a presidential campaign and before New Hampshire. Funny coincidence, there. And if you remember before that, when Barack was president, Ukraine had this pro-Russian president who got overthrown in a revolution, he fled to Russia, and then as soon as that happened, Russia just walked into Crimea? Another funny coincidence. It’s almost like, you have all these coincidences piling up to a certain result, and it quits looking like coincidence, doesn’t it?
But the fact that we’re in this position with foreign aid now is because of what we did then. We, and the world, are less affected by Russia or another outside actor than how we as a government, as a people, react. And the threat from outside was influenced by our internal response. Just like, the United States is the most powerful economy in the world. It’s often said that if the US gets a cold, other countries get pneumonia. And we’re reaching that point now. We have a decision to make on raising the debt ceiling, and if that’s not done, it affects our credit rating, and that may affect the entire world economy.
Now, I remember when the right wing was serious, that most Republicans didn’t think the federal government should be doing much more than paying to keep the lights on in the Capitol. Problem is, nowadays, what calls itself conservatism doesn’t even want to do that. They’d rather be in the dark. That’s the joke. Like, how many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? None. They’ll just sit in the dark and praise Trump for doing such a great job changing the bulb.
We lost more men on both sides in the US Civil War than in World War I, and barely lost more men in World War II. Nobody is more of a threat to our country’s success and survival than we are. And I’m comparing this situation to the Civil War, and it seems like it’s got a lot of the same motivations.
You laugh, but why were all those guys rioting to stop my election running through the Capitol carrying Confederate battle flags? Some of them probably aren’t old enough to remember Lynyrd Skynyrd.
It’s almost like even now, they don’t want to admit they lost that war. A war where their idea of “freedom” meant the freedom for some men to keep others in bondage. A war where their concept of liberty only applied to people who looked, and thought, and prayed like them. So of course they’re not going to acknowledge the popular vote OR the Electoral College. That would mean acknowledging other people have the same rights they do. That’s the whole thing: They don’t want to live in reality.
It’s all of a piece. They don’t want to work on climate change, cause that would require admitting it’s real. Democrats, we may disagree on how to deal with climate change, but we can look at the water level of Lake Mead, and the Caspian Sea, and see that it’s real. In large part, they don’t want to help Ukraine against Russia, because they don’t want to admit Russia is not our friend. And officially, the Republican Party doesn’t want to admit I’m President. But guys: I’m here. I’M THE PRESIDENT. I’m here, now, giving the State of the Union speech. This is not some telepathic projection from the Reptoids trying to control your mind. You expect me to deal with you? You’re going to have to deal with me.
Yet, the posture of the Republican Party is just carry on, like reality isn’t a thing. You don’t just have Trump refusing to admit I won, you’ve got this Kari Lake in Arizona refusing to admit Katie Hobbs is the governor and not her. I mean, jeez, if that’s really how it works, we should send the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl and not the Chiefs.
Look, that was just an example. I’m sorry Detroit. You’ve been through so much already.
We have two years left in my term. I have yet to announce officially that I’m running again. Like it makes a difference. Because we know Trump’s running again, and frankly, I’m the best chance of stopping him from getting the nuclear codes back. If I accomplish nothing else- and you all are sure trying to make sure that’s the case – it will be enough.
It would not be such an existential threat if a Republican won an election in the natural political cycle of things, but it is an existential threat when an individual can’t deal with reality. We can see from the example of Putin’s Russia what happens when an unhinged individual has no tether to outside reality and dissenting opinion. He pursues evil policies regardless of the consequences and no matter how many thousands or hundreds of thousands get killed. That has had its own effects on the world economy and standard of living. Imagine if that were us.
Imagine again if we just refused to pay our debts, a lot of which were built up just under the last Administration in four years. That’s going to cause terrible consequences to our standard of living, and worse in the rest of the world. And who do you think people are going to blame? Me, who warned you what would happen if you do it, or you, who want to do it just because I’m here and your guy isn’t?
Like I care. This is Dark Brandon you woke up here.
You really should have learned what happened the last time, and the last three to five times, you did a budget standoff. Everybody blamed you, not the Democrats. You try this again: I’m going to let you do it. And then I’m just gonna watch as you have to sit and stew and hear your constituents bitch about the budget problems YOU created for THEM. And I’m gonna see you come crying to me as if you didn’t know from all those times what would happen. And then I’m gonna tell you again: You want me to deal with you? You’re gonna have to deal with ME.
You are in no position to threaten anybody, with the budget, or with the military, because to paraphrase Ronald Reagan: Government is not the solution. Government, under Republicans, is the problem. Republicans are the reason we can’t get gun legislation. Republicans are the reason we can’t federalize abortion rights. Republicans are why the minimum wage is still less than 8 dollars an hour. You have spent as long as I remember – and that’s a long time – pulling this scam where you run for office saying “government is the problem” and then once you get elected, doing everything you can to prove it.
And if that was still working out for you, you wouldn’t be losing elections in Georgia and Arizona. You wouldn’t be trying so hard to stop Democrats from voting in Georgia and Texas and Florida. You wouldn’t have lost an abortion referendum in Kansas. You know how hard it is for Republicans to lose Kansas?
For as long as I still have, as long as I have to be here, every time you stand in the way of what needs to be done – with that FOUR SEAT majority you have – I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna whine. I’m not gonna pretend it isn’t happening. I’m just gonna let you do it, and I’m gonna let you live in your own mess. And then you’re gonna have to come to me. Because you’re standing in the way for the same reason you’re gonna let Trump take over your party again: Because you don’t have any better ideas.
So until you do, I say, in the immortal words of Dr. Dre,
“Fuck y’all. All y’all.”
Thank you, and God Bless America.