Give Me Convenience Or Give Me Death

“Leadership: Whatever happens, you’re responsible. If it doesn’t happen, you’re responsible.” -Donald Trump, Twitter, Nov. 8, 2013

“Responsibility’s a heavy responsibility, man.” -Richard “Cheech” Marin

Hi, Trumpniks! Sick of winning yet?

No really, are you sick yet?

Boy, I bet it was fun the last few years getting to lord it over all those liberals and vegans and “experts” who read books and know stuff. And having Gary Busey’s idiot sidekick as president was fun, in a sliding-your-dick-against-a-cheese-grater sense of ‘fun,’ but then the stock market crashed and you had to decide whether having a job was worth Gramma dying.

In the fight against coronavirus, Trump says we are fighting a war against an “invisible enemy”, which must be difficult for him, since his usual psychology is to assume that someone is the enemy just by their appearance. But what do Our Wartime President and his cult know about real war? Have they ever sacrificed? In World War II, would they have put up with rationing? Would they have put up with blackouts? Would they have donated blood? Would they have volunteered for the military? Or would they dodge the draft? If these “patriots” had been around in the ’30s and ’40s, would they have treated military preparedness as a joke, said the whole war effort was a socialist plot against our freedoms, and spread rumors that Roosevelt’s real name was “Rosenfeld”?

Maybe.

Most of the actual “war” has been fought on the state level even as the Party of Trump creates a resistance against the program. Take Michigan as a major example.

While the Left holds Governor Gretchen Whitmer as a hero, largely because Trump seems to have picked on her as his latest bete noire, right-wingers have varying degrees of skepticism. In several pieces, Reason Magazine pointed out that some Michigan sheriffs are refusing to enforce her virus shutdown orders, because among other things the Michigan shutdown “includes a prohibition on large retailers selling allegedly nonessential items, such as paint and outdoor supplies, meaning stores like Home Depot had to tape off those sections from customers. Lawncare services have been temporarily shuttered. With very few exceptions, the order prohibits people from traveling between residences, even to their cottages in the northern part of the state, where there are few COVID-19 cases. Residents of other states, however, may still travel to such properties in Michigan if permitted by their respective home states. Individuals may not use motorboats, but they are authorized to use boats without motors. The order bans “public and private gatherings of any kind,” yet it still allows for the sale of lottery tickets, the proceeds of which go toward funding K-12 education in the state.”

Well, as I keep saying: it is possible for two different things to be true at the same time. It is possible to want to take the virus seriously and make serious public preparations against it, and also to say that government can go too far in saying what’s good for the public. But if you don’t like Whitmer, I give you the same advice that I give to anyone who doesn’t like Trump: Next election, VOTE THE FUCKER OUT.

That doesn’t seem to be good enough for some people in Michigan and other states who came out at the end of the week and over the weekend into Monday to block traffic – including ambulances – while carrying firearms, wearing military gear and waving Trump campaign banners and Confederate flags.

Yeah, because nothing says you love freedom and America more than flying the traitor flag of a slaveholders’ rebellion.

And as simultaneous leader and follower, President ALL CAPS twitted “LIBERATE MICHIGAN” and “LIBERATE VIRGINIA” over its Second Amendment policies. First off: Liberate them from whom? Liberate them how? With “Second Amendment solutions”? Why, because Democrats are now in charge of those states? Gee, who was it saying that people couldn’t accept the results of the last election?

There has been a lot of talk about “freedom” and “liberty” being thrown around, not only by right-wingers but by leftists who look at them and see “liberty” as a joke. In fact the coronavirus crisis (the crisis being not the virus itself but our response to it) does a lot to demonstrate why we don’t have a more libertarian world or in particular a more libertarian America. In a perfect libertarian world (itself a subjective hypothetical) we would need less laws because people would be educated enough to make decisions for themselves and exercise common sense. We have all the laws we do because people do not have education and common sense. And every time there’s a crisis, government uses that as a pretext to take more and more liberties, and they can do so because people do not exercise common sense.

Liberty doesn’t just mean rights, it means responsibility. And contra libertarians, it used to be conservatives making that assertion. Liberty means not only taking responsibility for one’s free will but accepting that we need to protect others’ rights. But some people define “rights” as belonging only to them, not even to “white people” but only to white people of a certain tribe and political alignment. And these rights do not imply taking responsibility for one’s own decisions or extending the same right to others.

Just as their role model demands all the power and none of the responsibility, the cult demands the freedom to do as they please without acknowledging the consequences. Such shutdown policies that have been enacted – on a state-by-state level – are based on observation of other countries and the fact that even now, we have far more cases and more total deaths than any other Western country (not counting China or Islamic states that are not transparent in their reporting). You go against these policies, the likelihood is you will get the virus and spread it to others. And yet such folks are willing to say that someone has to die and bear the statistical loss because staying the course would be a greater cost to the economy. And yes, they’re still calling themselves “pro-life.”

These people are just as serious about being pro-death as they are about being pro-life, which is to say: Not. They are no more serious about saying “someone has to die” than they are about someone else’s unwanted pregnancy. It’s not THEIR problem. The reason leftists can say things like “name one member of your family whom you are willing to sacrifice for capitalism” is because they can. Because with what we know about the virus, if you do not practice distancing, that challenge is no longer an abstract hypothetical. It’s not ‘their’ problem any more, it’s YOUR problem. But as soon as it becomes YOUR problem, Lawdy, it’s the biggest injustice in the world. And that’s what we’re dealing with here.

If one New Yorker dies every 12 minutes over three days, nobody panics, that’s all part of the plan. But shut down lawn care service, and everyone loses their minds!

We are seeing the wisdom of Jello’s phrase. Certain people are more agitated at the loss of conveniences they have been accustomed to than the actual rights that they never bothered to exercise.

Your president is blowing millions to pacify the farming community and compensate for the fact that they have been rendered uncompetitive in the free market due to government policy (first tariffs and now the virus response). And that isn’t socialism?

In the last few days we have had more and more reports of Our President’s federal government deliberately intercepting shipments of medical supplies to states after the states had procured and paid for them. And THAT isn’t a government overreach?

Philando Castile had a license to carry a gun and a policeman killed him anyway. Are you protesting THAT government abuse?

Flint, Michigan STILL doesn’t have reliable drinking water. Are Michiganders protesting that?

No. You’re protesting because you can’t grow seeds or get a haircut.

If there’s anything more contradictory than liberals demanding the Federal government exercise more power when they know they can’t trust it under current management, it’s so-called small-government conservatives whining about state governors after all these years talking about federalism and “states’ rights.”

And yet, in their continuing pathology in wanting it both ways, Trumpniks insist that their Leader is the rebel against “the establishment.” Never mind that he needed the Republican establishment to get anything done at all, and to keep his ass in power after he incriminated himself. Look, Trumpniks, I know most of you are AM radio fans, so you’ve read Rules for Radicals, right? Remember the twelfth rule: “The twelfth rule is: The price of a successful attack is a constructive alternative. ” In other words, once you’ve achieved your goal, you are in the position that your target was in, and now you have to actually do those things you said your enemy wasn’t doing. In still other words, you can’t stick it to The Man when YOU ARE THE MAN.

Your people are in charge. And while you may not control the House any more, you still have the Senate, which means you still appoint judges. You have a whole government of people who think like you. Not just Trump, but people like Supreme Court Justice “Boofing” Brett Kavanaugh, Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana, and Congressman Louie Gohmert, representing the great state of Gohmert.

How can you hate the government when YOU ARE the government?

You got everything you wanted from a President who’s just like you, for at least two years. So why are you whining?

You’re whining because state governors are going against the political correctness of Fox News and AM radio and the Internet and enforcing public health restrictions, and they can because that’s the way federalism works. Because it was set up that way by the Founders precisely to make sure that a corrupt autocrat couldn’t have too much power, and you “freedom” lovers are mad that your little King can’t do whatever he wants to stop them.

Freedom and balance of powers means that no one has absolute power, INCLUDING YOU.

So do me and the rest of us actual libertarians a favor and SHUT THE GODDAMN FUCK UP, because people like you are making the leftists look good.

I have said it before, and I’ll say it again: The real worst-case scenario of Republican domination is that they will turn America into a one-party state – that one party being the Democrats. Because after Republicans completely destroy the political reputation of anybody to the right of Joe Biden, the only competition in our politics will be Political Hack Democrats (like Biden) versus Social Justice Warrior Democrats (like AOC).

Because keep in mind Trumpniks, the main reason your control is not complete any more is because of the midterm elections and the last round of state elections, which occurred after 2016, when you had both houses of Congress, and the effects of Republican dominance in the states were becoming clear. If 2018 demonstrated anything, it’s that the more the Republicans cater to ooga-booga tribalists who hate science and fear evil spirits, the more likely it is that more people like them will turn into people like ME: Former Republicans who are sick of their shit.

I mean, back when Republicans hadn’t completely pissed away their reputation as a party of liberty, the joke was that “a conservative is just a liberal who’s been mugged by reality.” Well, by that standard, a libertarian is a conservative who got mugged by Republicans.

No matter how you interpret the 2018 midterms, the special elections, and the 2019 Kentucky election, it comes down to three factors: Either more people voted for Democrats than in 2016, more people who voted Trump in 2016 voted third-party/Libertarian in the next election or more people who voted Trump just stayed home. Possibly all three.

Because if lots of people (including me) agree with “conservatives” about how incompetent and venal the Democrats are, and they voted them back anyway, what does that say about Republican incompetence and venality?

And seriously kids: I don’t like this either. I don’t like going without clubs, and restaurants, and movie theaters. I don’t like being told I CAN’T do something. I know it’s a huge issue not being able to physically go to church. But if there’s any one person to blame for the loss of your liberties, blame the guy who was for the ‘China virus’ before he was against it. Blame the president who killed the Pandemic Response team, who removed the agents we had in China to observe disease trends, and who, like the World Health Organization, took China’s lead in the early stages of the Wuhan spread because no one wanted the Communist government to look bad. Blame Trump, who was informed by his own people what was going on, but who said in January, “China has been working very hard to contain the Coronavirus. The United States greatly appreciates their efforts and transparency. It will all work out well. In particular, on behalf of the American People, I want to thank President Xi!” It was your right-wing capitalist icon who wrecked the market by giving Wall Street mixed signals, and it was your libertarian rebel who did China’s bidding, and that’s why the governors have to shut down the stores, because YOUR president didn’t want this country to be prepared for a pandemic.

You wanted a Third World dictator who said he’d do everything by himself. That’s what you got. Liberty for other people wasn’t important to you, and now you’re living with the result of what YOU wanted.

Look, Trumpniks: You had your fun for three years. You got to do everything you wanted to this country, and as many predicted, you completely fucked it up. Now it’s time for you to sit down, shut up and let the grownups run things again.

Or else come November, you’re really gonna have something to protest.

Vote Blue, No Matter Who?

“Why is this night different from all other nights?”

“Because our country is misruled by a retarded sociopath who doesn’t care if we live or die.”

“Oh.”

Wednesday morning, April 9 – Passover – Bernie Sanders announced that he was suspending his presidential campaign. Supposedly he is “negotiating” with Joe Biden, but has not endorsed him. Nevertheless with all other candidates out, Biden, former Senator and Vice President, is the presumptive Democratic nominee.

Look, this shouldn’t come as a big surprise in the long run. Not just because Sanders was too easily baited and branded as a “socialist” when that word doesn’t mean the same thing to most Americans that it seems to mean to him. But the reason for that common impression is that America is, on the whole, conservative. Not in the “we hate abortion and gays” sense but in the broader sense of a play-it-safe, work-within-the-system temperament. And sad to say, most Americans seem to prefer a male President to a female one, an older presidential candidate to a younger one, an Anglo-Protestant or Irish Catholic to an atheist or ethnic Jew, and somebody who thinks that America is a fundamentally good place that just needs to be kept on track as opposed to a radical who just wants to burn the motherfucker down.

This isn’t like 2016. If you don’t like Joe Biden, you can’t say you didn’t have enough choices. But voters in the main rounds didn’t like what they got. Kamala Harris? Too pushy, too hard on criminal suspects “of color.” Elizabeth Warren? Too lecturing, too vague. Pete Buttigieg? Too young, too gay. Amy Klobuchar? Too Klobuchar.

And yet, the Left is not happy. They say Joe Biden is “sundowning.” He’s got all kinds of baggage from his time in the Senate, including grilling Anita Hill in the Clarence Thomas hearings. Trumpniks are still going to shout “BURISMA” like it’s a magic word that strikes you with lightning and gives you superpowers. And, supposedly, along with all Biden’s documented cases of inappropriate touching of women, there is a former Biden Senate aide, Tara Reade, who is now saying that in one of their office meetings he pushed her up against the wall and went up her skirt, penetrating her with his fingers. Reade is a Sanders supporter who told reporters she was “deliberately holding interviews only with left-wing outlets” and her story is considered a “credible accusation” mainly by the hard Left, the Trump Right, Reason Magazine, and other people who have a vested interest in making Shinola out of shit.

Y’all notice that this “credible accusation” was never brought up until Biden secured the nomination?

Y’all realize that Trump had two years of Republican control in the Senate AND the House, and they could’ve used that time to investigate and prosecute Hunter Biden to their hearts’ content, and it was only after they lost the House and Biden was announcing a presidential run that Hunter Biden working for Burisma became the biggest, most scandalous injustice of 2019? (Y’know, OTHER than Trump getting impeached over it?)

And even this week when Sanders made his announcement, Trump pandered to you, going “OH poor Bernie!! He woulda gotten the nomination, but the system is RIGGED!”

This is why liberals fail. You keep reading the Republicans’ script and thinking it’s yours.

“The system is rigged”? Yeah, I’ve been telling you, the system IS rigged, but that’s NOT why Bernie lost.

I mean, all’y’all saying “I’m only voting Bernie in the general”, if more of you had bothered to show up for the primaries in South Carolina and Super Tuesday, maybe Bernie would be going to the general. Just saying.

As it is, when you threaten not to vote in November, the mainstream liberals and NeverTrumpers will look at you and go, “it’s not like you’re voting in enough numbers now.”

I mean kids, if being a senile potential rapist who used his office to get his kid a cushy job automatically disqualifies one to be president, you may want to sit down in a strong chair while I explain who the president is now.

Because who the president is now, and what the Banana Republican Party is now, is bearing on our current situation.

The day before, Tuesday, was the primary for Wisconsin. Even given that people were telling Bernie to drop out, the vote needed to be held because this is actually a state election in which one of the state Supreme Court races is at stake. But coronavirus has shut down a lot of states, and a lot of state Democratic parties had agreed to postpone their primaries. There is already talk of making the Democratic National Convention virtual. Earlier this year, Mike Dewine, the pro-life, conservative Republican Governor of Ohio, had postponed their primary at the last minute, and that created a certain amount of controversy. So in Wisconsin, Democratic Governor Tommy Evers agreed with the Republican-controlled legislature that the state contest would proceed as scheduled. But that was before people got a grip on how bad coronavirus was and why social distancing was necessary. So Evers tried to postpone the election, the legislature refused to let him, and they took the case to the state’s conservative-majority Supreme Court (who have a justice race on the ballot).

The Wisconsin Supreme Court decided – by video conference – that it was safe for people to go out and vote. The Governor immediately took the case to the US Supreme Court, and the Court decided – by video conference – that it was safe for people to go out and vote. In addition, SCOTUS decided that there would be no extension for absentee ballots.

Mr. Trump was asked about this in one of his lookit-me-I’m-the-president press conferences, where a reporter asked, “You voted by mail in Florida’s election, last month, didn’t you?”

“Sure,” he replied. “I can vote by mail.”

“How do you reconcile with that?”

Because I’m allowed to,” Trump said.

Incidentally, Trump also announced that the federal government is ending support for national coronavirus testing as of April 10. Good Friday. [NPR just announced that the government is reversing course on this and continuing the program after all.]

Now, it’s gonna be bad enough with the Supreme Court as a 5-4 majority of relatively young and healthy conservative justices for the foreseeable future, but it is getting increasingly obvious that they will take up and throw down decisions with little regard for how partisan or ridiculous they look, precisely because they are the ultimate constitutional authority. Under John Roberts – who is relatively sane – the Court is getting that much more into enforcing the Trumpnik line of We Can Do Whatever We Want To This Country, Just Because We Can. You let Trump win a second term, he WILL get at least one more justice appointed and the results will be that much more ridiculous, and all the “anti-socialists” who mourned how the Chavistas used the courts to twist Venezuela into their image will suddenly define their take on this attitude as “strict constructionism.” And all the liberals who told us the Constitution is a “living document” that changes according to political norms will find out why others told them that was a bad idea.

And as with Brett Kavanaugh, you can bet that any sexual assault accusations against the Republican nominee will be taken a lot less seriously than Democrats are taking accusations against Biden.

What was all this jazz about “Vote Blue, No Matter Who”?

What was this about “Not Me. US”?


You “progressives” are no more serious about “no matter who” than the mainstream Democrats were when it looked like Bernie was gonna win this. I mean, I’d voted for Bernie in the caucus. Both this one and the last one. And I told people how bogus it was that some mainstream liberals were thinking it would be better to throw the election to Trump rather than let a self-declared socialist become president. But now that Bernie voters are in that position, they think Biden is no better than Trump.

I mean, everybody was asking how Biden was getting so much of the older black vote. Because those people remember Nixon, they remember real segregation, and they know what the stakes are, you entitled prigs. You let Trump get re-elected, he’s gonna make Nixon look like a fuckin’ hippie.

But now that the stakes are more obvious than ever, you “progressives” are telling the rest of us that you’re not going to vote for the designated NotTrump candidate, because you think he’s not worth forcing on the country – knowing that you’re forcing four more years of Trump by default?

Really?

REALLY?

NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I’M A LIBERTARIAN, YOU DIPSHITS??

Anybody who thinks Joe Biden isn’t good enough for them, you have lost all right to talk shit to me about voting for Gary Johnson in 2016. EVER again.

Cause I didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. Given the results to the country, I would regret it more, except that my state ended up going to Hillary without my vote. The reason she lost with a majority of gross votes is because the Electoral College measures results state-by-state, and that’s where third-party votes or “I’m just gonna sit this one out” made a difference in states that Hillary “should’ve” won but didn’t. I don’t think the results will be quite the same this time, cause we now KNOW what we’ve got to lose, and I don’t think that Biden will let Pennsylvania, at least, go for granted.

I do know that the same people who wailed about the Electoral College in 2000 had sixteen years to anticipate Bush v. Gore repeating itself, and they failed to press for the necessary reforms. Not necessarily killing the Electoral College altogether, which is near-impossible and might not be advisable for federalist reasons. But at the very least, working within each state to make the results proportionate within the state, not winner-take-all, and not tied to party affiliation, which would actually be closer to the original intent. No, like “third” parties, Democrats put all their chips on an all-powerful presidency without dealing with the lower levels of government, and now that the presidency and the courts are in the hands of the enemy, Democrats are getting marginalized just like the third parties.

See, Democrats, this is why people don’t want to deal with you, even lots of people on the Left. It’s bad enough to be self-righteous, but self-righteousness is tolerable if you actually know what you’re doing. If you don’t, where do you get off being self-righteous?

What we need is a straight-out reform of the political system, and since Banana Republicans want to make this country more of a Banana Republic, we need Democrats to do what we want. We need ranked-choice voting. We need mail-in and absentee voting. If it’s good enough for our troops, it should be good enough for civilians. We need, ultimately, to nationalize voting in the same way that we have a national post office, so that you don’t have one community with state-of-the-art polling technology and a neighborhood station versus another community where you have to drive miles to vote at Uncle Zeke’s General Store and Town Hall.

No one has trusted you to do any of this, because you didn’t do it when you had the chance. Third-party people told you that we needed to reform elections, and you went, “Oh, don’t worry. Just give us the government, and then we’ll listen to you. Maybe.” Well, we can’t wait anymore, because if it isn’t blindingly obvious to you (and it isn’t, cause you’re Democrats) the Republicans will not give you another chance at power if you don’t win this year. They have the White House, they have the Senate, they have more and more of the courts, and anything the House wants is gonna be flat-out ignored by Mitch “The Bitch” McConnell. You will still be allowed to exist, like a pet bird or house servant in the manor, but the people you claim to champion will be ground deeper and deeper into the dirt.

So here you are, Democrats. You want the rest of us to goosestep in line behind the political hack? You want “Vote Blue, No Matter Who?” Well, FUCK YOU, cause you’re stuck with it now. You’re going to go out and vote for Joe Biden along with black voters and NeverTrump right-wingers and the rest of NotTrump America who cannot wait four more years for your perfect candidate that you will probably not even nominate anyway. You are going to get Biden over.

And then you are going to LISTEN TO US for a change.

Otherwise don’t cry to us when Jerry Falwell Jr. crowns Donald Trump Jr. king.

Donald Trump For President

I have changed my mind.

I have seen the light.

After years of screaming out Donald Trump, Viceroy of Russian North America, I have learned to stop worrying and love the bomb.

In fact, I have not only given up my opposition to Donald Trump, I have decided to endorse his re-election in 2020.

Why?

Because I work in a call center.

I am not going to tell you which center it is, or exactly what it does or the precise details on the calls. Because as much as it can suck, I still need the job. You see, I have “pre-existing conditions” and after 60 days I get medical benefits which I would not get from sucking cocks on Boulder Highway, which is the only other job that I can get with my resume.

The other reason is that most of the time, this call center is not that bad compared to other ones I’ve been at. It’s just that when the calls are bad, they were dredged from the sewer system under the 10th Circle of Hell.

Anybody who has ever worked in a call center knows exactly why Donald Trump won in 2016. Because Donald Trump is the kind of motherfucker who calls a call center. The kind of person who is grateful that I’m a white guy who speaks “American.”

In a lot of these cases it’s a hard guess as to whether the problem is a person who’s been repeatedly stiffed by inattentive staff or a person who had a solvable problem that they have made worse because they couldn’t pick up a clue if you held it in front of them with two hands. But in either case, I get the shit end of it.

And then after nearly two hours of back-to-back-to-back-to-back calls, I can actually feel the muscles in my neck and my eye sockets contracting on themselves, but the queue starts to die down, and I’m starting to relax, and then I get a call from a number I’d seen before – “Hey, James! Remember ME? The worst call you had all day? The guy who raised your blood pressure 100 points expecting you to do the impossible and coming up with every excuse I could to not end the call and prolong your agony? Well, GUESS WHAT? I’m back after 90 minutes and I just talked to another office who told me something completely different so now I’m going to start over at Square One and go over the same harangue I gave you for ANOTHER 25 minutes because I didn’t understand what the fuck you were trying to tell me on the LAST 25 minute call!”

A call, that by the way, would have been about 20 minutes less if I had been given two uninterrupted seconds to explain what the hell was going on with his account.

Why? Why do I get all the difficult people? Because Jesus loves me THAT much, that’s why.

Oh, that’s the other thing, I not only gave up being anti-Trump, I gave up being atheist. I now know that God is real and He is doing miracles for me every day. Because no fucking way could I be under such a sustained, intense and prolonged concentration of screaming bullshit by sheer Goddamn fucking ACCIDENT.

But after about two years of not doing customer phone service, I have to be back in the thick of this, and I remember what it is that turned me off about the Annoying Orange in the first place. My worst callers weren’t all white, they weren’t all Southern, and I have no way of knowing how many of them were conservative, but they all had that attitude of oblivious entitlement. The people who cut you off with “EXCUSE ME” as though they’re being polite and you’re being rude. The attitude that they knew more than you when they really didn’t know jack. The need to spend untrackable amounts of time rambling on over everything yet getting nowhere. Complaining that they had to spend thirty minutes waiting on hold, not considering that maybe that’s because the person ahead of them wanted to waste time for twenty minutes and then complain another ten minutes about having to be on hold, and MAYBE if everyone was a little less piggy the line would move faster. The emotional disconnection from reality, expecting you to have a magic wand and do ten impossible things before breakfast even AFTER they spent 20 minutes explaining – over and over and over and over and over again- that the last five people they talked to couldn’t do the impossible thing either. And even after you’d made it clear to them what the situation was, they WOULD.NOT.GET.OFF. THE.GOD.DAMN.FUCK.ING.PHONE. Instead they would rather rage and whine and scream and cry about the existential unfairness of the universe, which they could do perfectly well by themselves on their OWN time instead of keeping you on the phone while people who could actually be helped were in the queue, because they seem to think the only reason you were born is to be their bartender/Father Confessor/emotional punching bag.

If you’ve dealt with Trumpniks on social media, you know what I’m talking about. And if you’ve seen Republicans at the mic during Congressional committee hearings- you know too.

And just as most of what I hate about Trump is his cult, half of what I hated about Hillary Clinton was hers. The people who normalized a president committing obstruction over an affair, letting him get out scot-free, and had no idea that would ever come back on them. The people who took Hillary’s genuine achievements and made her out to be some kind of Superwoman. They all went, “Oh, look at how BRAVE Hillary was over Benghazi! She had to sit there over eight hours, while a bunch of belligerent rednecks took turns asking Gotcha questions trying to blame her for stuff that wasn’t her fault!” And I was like, “Bitch, please. I work in a CALL CENTER. That’s my FUCKING JOB.”

And if I could, I would ask Hillary Clinton, could you put up with that treatment from Republicans, eight hours a day, every day, for at least two years, AND only get paid ten dollars an hour? Could you put up with that progressive, building level of stress AND the stress of not knowing if you could stretch to the next payday? And if that question was answered, I would then ask Hillary, now do you understand why you lost? Because that’s the kind of job that Democrats were citing as an example of “economic recovery.”

The problem, two years after The Election, is that things are not getting any better under Trump, and for a lot of people – especially his “base” – they’re getting worse.

But this goes beyond just one guy, however much Trump thinks that he is the center of existence. This is deeper. Existential. What it comes down to is that it is becoming increasingly obvious that the vast majority of humans are not actually human beings. We are a species of balding apes that were somehow trained to wear polyester suits and use smartphones, and it seems that our technological and emotional sophistication does not go beyond that. And the pressure of having to live in a civilization designed by smarter people is slowly but surely driving us fucking MAD. I mean really, half the reason Trump won is because a critical part of the population got sick of being on hold and hearing “para español, oprime’ el numero dos.”

We can’t handle all this stuff. We can’t handle all these options. We don’t have time to catch up on all the Netflix shows. All our emails. We don’t have time for all the automated “conveniences” that are supposed to speed things up and make things easier but just add up time and stress because that ends up meaning that you have more things to do. I sometimes think we would be better off letting the bad guys win. Let the bullies, bigots and morons stomp all over the wonders of 21st Century civilization and bring us to a new age of barbarism. Kill this increasingly inconvenient culture of “convenience.” Go back to houses made of sticks and stones because we as a species are clearly too primitive and emotional to live in a world made by better people.

If there is such a thing as a “collective soul,” then that soul, at least in America, is sick unto death. Put bluntly, Americans want a Zombie Apocalypse. We want a mass die-off and technological collapse to bring us back to basics. But since zombies are scientifically impossible, voting Republican is the next best thing to get us to Doomsday.

Because it’s not like they aren’t doing their best.

Not even counting… all this… but if you believe Democrats – and objectively speaking, I’m not sure why you would – the clock is ticking on global climate change.

And the main thing getting the way of their “Green New Deal” is the Republican Party, of which Donald Trump is only a part. Why? Because either they’re in the tank for fossil fuel companies, or as Good Christians (TM) they think that Man is the steward of the Earth and not just a renter, and in any case, Jesus is going to come back and make everything cool.

Now, whenever I see some Chicken Little liberal tell us that the world will be destroyed if we don’t go whole-hog on the socialist agenda, I just remember the soothing words of George Carlin:

So that would be my message for today. Don’t just re-elect Trump. Re-elect the Republican House majority. Make Trump God-Emperor and the tenth Supreme Court Justice. Just get it all over with.

In fact, if the Republican Party is interested, I even have a slogan picked out for them:

Vote Republican – Because This Species Can’t Die Fast Enough