As we know, Thursday May 21 is not only the end of Stephen Colbert’s contract with CBS, it is the end of The Late Show, period. And one of my favorite recurring bits from that was when Stephen would have one of his celebrity guests take the Colbert Questionnaire (ert) which mostly consisted of the same questions every time, a device he said was to make the subject “known” in their motives.
I had often daydreamed of achieving some thing that would get me on the show to do the Questionnert, but that’s not going to happen now. So as an exercise, on Colbert’s last day, I want to take the Colbert Questionnaire (ert) myself since that’s the only way I will get to do so.
What is the best sandwich?
French Dip. Either that or a Monte Cristo, but it’s really hard to make a good Monte Cristo, while it’s really hard to screw up a French Dip.
What was your first concert?
Monsters of Rock, 1984, just after I graduated high school. This was the one that had Scorpions and Van Halen as opening acts, but the main reason I remember it was that this is where I first saw Metallica.
What is the scariest animal?
Piranhas. Especially when you’re naked.
Apples or Oranges?
I like both, but oranges give me acid. So apples.
Have you ever asked someone else for their autograph?
Yes. A few months before my Mom died, we went to see Penn & Teller at the Rio in Las Vegas, and as they always do after the show, they came outside to the merchandise area and signed autographs. And so I had them autograph our program book. And because that was one of the last things Mom and I did together, it meant a lot to me.
What do you think happens when we die?
I would like to think that when you die, you will see your family, and your friends, and your dogs again, but I have no proof that is going to happen. Based only on what I know, I have to conclude that when you die, that’s it. And that is why you have to make your life memorable, because that is the only way we live on, is in memories.
Favorite action movie?
Waiting For Godot.
Window or Aisle?
Aisle. I’m real fat.
Favorite smell?
Airplane glue.
Least favorite smell?
Cat shit. Well, pig manure is more toxic, but most of us don’t have to be around pig manure. Although I know one guy who did. My friends and I would get together on Sundays and play wargames at his house and he had a really nice house in the suburbs that he got for really cheap. But he got it really cheap because it was down range of a pig farm. Which only goes to show that you pay for everything one way or another.
Earliest memory?
The one that comes to mind was when I was a little kid, maybe 5, and I was in the living room and I accidentally fell and hit my chin on the corner of the coffee table, and it bled so much they ended up taking me to the emergency room, and my memory is being on the ambulance bed at night being driven to the hospital. And I can remember this because I have a scar on my chin to this day.
Cats or Dogs?
I like both, but I choose dogs because I am frequently allergic to cats.
You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. It doesn’t have to be on all the time, but when music comes on, this is what you hear. What is the song?
“Freewill” by Rush.
What number am I thinking of?
69, dude!
Describe the rest of your life in five words.
Hopefully. Better. Than. This. Was.
Incidentally, there is a site where a guy created the “Coal Bare Questionnaire” in which people take the quiz and the answers are compared to the ones given by the Colbert guests. My list was deemed most similar to actor Gary Oldman:https://coalbarequestionnaire.com/results/a7e77b6e-1230-4023-b2d0-b97561ebddc3?n=2
“Congratulations — you are Gary Oldman, a man who believes death is simply ‘lights out,’ loves dogs for their superior smell, and prefers the aisle (metaphorically, even if Gary picks the window). Your nihilistic yet oddly dignified afterlife philosophy, combined with choosing Rush’s ‘Freewill’ as your eternal soundtrack and calling Waiting for Godot an action movie, suggests a person who has thought very seriously about existence and arrived at ‘nope.’ Gary would absolutely high-five you for getting Penn & Teller’s autographs, though he might raise an eyebrow at the ’69!’ “