News You Can Use – February 27, 2020

News You Can Use

Trump’s Decision Somehow Fails To Impress Wall Street

GILLEN NEWS NETWORK

NEW YORK February 27 – Wall Street closed trading today with a loss of 1,190 points, or 4.42 percent, with NASDAQ falling 4.61%, the worst one-day losses in eight years. The market declined due to continuing nervousness over the worldwide spread of the coronavirus (Covid-19) and the loss occurred only one day after White House occupant Donald Trump announced Vice President Mike Pence as the policy czar for America’s coronavirus policy.

During his press conference Wednesday February 26, Trump blamed the steep losses of the stock market Monday on the shambolic Democratic debate in South Carolina, despite the fact that the debate occurred on Tuesday. In order to coordinate public response, the White House announced Thursday that in Pence’s new role he will be approving all responses from government officials on the crisis.

Response from Wall Street brokers was mixed.

Goldman Sachs trader Sol Lieberman said, “Look, we know that Trump has to pacify the witch doctor contingent of this party, but that’s not going to impress people who actually do math and predict trends. For a living.”

The appointment of Pence to his current responsibility drew controversy given that as Governor in Indiana in 2014, an HIV epidemic started that Pence did not respond to until four months after cases were reported. “Before the outbreak, there had been numerous deaths and known risks from the increase in injection drug use in the area for several years. Pence had long been a vocal opponent of needle exchange programs, which allow drug users to trade in used syringes for sterile ones in order to stop the spread of diseases, despite evidence that they work. Such programs were banned in the state when the outbreak started.”

It was unknown what short-term measures the government is going to enact to stop the spread of coronavirus, given that Vice President Pence spent most of Thursday praising Donald Trump at CPAC.

On the Wall Street floor, investor Tom McKinney said, “the market’s still over 25,000, and it’s due for a correction. But still, it’d be good if the government knew what it was doing.”

According to insiders, Trump is said to be furious about how officials in his administration have handled the coronavirus outbreak, and blames downbeat warnings from health officials for a brutal downturn in financial markets.

Public trader Naryanan Mattacharya said, “Look, we all know Donnie thinks of Wall Street as his bulletproof vest. He could bugger a 5-year old on 5th Avenue and most of the donor class would blame the kid. But if Wall Street tanks, all that changes. He’ll be walking around with his Vienna Sausage d*ck thinking he’s King Sh*t, and then suddenly Bernie Sanders wins the nomination with a 10-point national lead.”

“It’s almost as if F*ckface Von Clownstick did the easiest, laziest thing to smooth public relations cause he doesn’t know what’s going on and spends half the day with his head up his *ss. That must be why his face looks like that,” Mattacharya said.

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