REVIEW: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

As I had said in my review of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, while this series of movies may be a lot of silly fun, that movie was also surprisingly deep in its reference to trauma. Director James Gunn’s ability to blend silliness, violence and dark character history became that much more clear in Peacemaker, the HBO series about a neo-fascist jerkwad that became more and more meaningful as the story went on.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 starts from another dark place with ominous musical cues. It seems as though it’s going to look at Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) drinking himself into depression over losing Gamora (Zoe Saldana) who is still alive, but as the alternate-history Gamora who was still loyal to Thanos and joined the Ravagers after he died. But the focus is really on the life and history of Rocket (Bradley Cooper) who gets hunted by Warlock (Will Poulter), a bioengineered superman in service to The High Evolutionary (Chukwudi Iwuji from Peacemaker). It turns out the Evolutionary is the one who “uplifted” Rocket from Earth raccoon stock, but did so with torture and implants, along with a bunch of other animals who were turned into misfit toys. Put in a coma by Warlock, Rocket remembers how he made deep friendships in the animal pens and also attracted the attention of his master when he figured out a genetic flaw in his newer creations. Once the Evolutionary integrates Rocket’s idea and improves his creations, he tells Rocket that he doesn’t need him and the other experiments on his new world, and plans to harvest his brain the next day. This of course, leads to tragedy, but Rocket escapes.

In the present, the Guardians realize there’s a code in Rocket’s cyberware that will kill him if they try using medical tech to heal his wounds, and so trace the code to the bio-fortress where the Evolutionary has his main genetic engineering business. This gets the Ravagers involved, which brings Gamora temporarily back into the team, even though she doesn’t care for Peter, and a certain amount of this movie is Peter coming to terms with that fact. In the process of saving Rocket, the Guardians find out just how ruthless and amoral The High Evolutionary is, and what the stakes for defeating him are.

Though there are quite a few scenes where it looks like someone is going to bite it, it is a spoiler to say that this movie is a happy ending for all of the main characters. But there is also a sad finality, as some of them decide to move on. Over the last couple of movies (including the hilarious Disney Plus ‘holiday special‘) the Guardians set up a real community in the “Knowhere” base, and the project has become a lot bigger than just five characters. It continues on. The characters continue on, but James Gunn has made it clear that this is his last Guardians movie and last project for Marvel Studios, after they jacked him around and fired him over politically incorrect social media posts he made back when social media was barely a thing. Now after Peacemaker, Gunn’s been given free rein to handle DC Comics’ movie line, and now social media is trying to cancel him because he decided to kill the Zack Snyder shared universe that wasn’t going anywhere to begin with and was probably going to be killed by DC anyway. While some of these fans don’t like Gunn’s quirks (like casting his wife and his brother a lot) he actually manages to combine the good humor and heart that are in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and were lacking in the DC Extended Universe with the violent action and dark themes that are lacking in the MCU and maybe a little too common in the DCEU.

So while some of the Snyder fans may bitch (and if there were that many of them, DC might not have done what it did), I’m looking forward to seeing what James Gunn will do with those comics characters, like maybe returning Michael Rosenbaum as Lex Luthor or casting Dave Bautista as Solomon Grundy.

REVIEW: Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

The reason that so many role-playing game groups quote Monty Python and the Holy Grail – too much so, a couple of my friends say – is because Holy Grail is to fantasy role-playing what This Is Spinal Tap is to rock musicians: At some point, you will see a scene where you think: “My group has done this.”

The joke is the contrast between the medieval fantasy romance of The Lord of the Rings, Excalibur or even Camelot versus the reality of what modern people actually do when they’re roleplaying in such a world. Well, the great thing about the new Dungeons & Dragons movie is that it acknowledges this right off the bat.

Unlike the earlier atrocity released under the D&D name, this production (Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, henceforth to be called Honor Among Thieves, or D&D HAT) actually has some coordination with both game fans and the Wizards of the Coast company that has run D&D for years. For instance, the fictional world is the Forgotten Realms, the dimension that D&D has been using for its default setting since before Wizards took over. When Chris Pine’s character is described as an ex-Harper, Realms fans know that the Harpers are a group unique to that setting, basically an organization of do-gooders whose charter members actually were bards and other musicians.

Elgin (Pine) is a bard who left the Harpers after their enemies, the Red Wizards of Thay, tried to assassinate him and ended up killing his wife with a magical poison. So he gets his best buddy, the barbarian Holga (Michelle Rodriguez), elder thief Forge (Hugh Grant) and bumbling comic relief sorcerer Snails Simon (Justice Smith) to go on a quest for a magical plot device that will bring his wife back. This goes awry, Simon and Forge escape, Elgin and Holga are captured, and once they escape prison, they try to get back with Forge – now the regent lord of the city of Neverwinter – only to be double-crossed again by Forge, whose court wizard turns out to be another Red Wizard of Thay.

This leads to another quest to get the plot device, now combined with a need to get back at Forge, and of course this quest turns into a side quest to get another item they need to finish the first quest, and it becomes kind of a heist scenario, as most D&D games kind of are. The difference being that both the heroes and villain are less lethal and more altruistic than most D&D teams in my experience.

The acting is at least passable, the special effects are decent and there’s a lot of action and tricks. Again, the morality is more on the level of a Hollywood movie than true Swords & Sorcery, let alone High Fantasy, and the largely unserious tone might turn off more serious D&D players and wargamers. But it also is serious about the background material, with many monsters and spells that players will recognize. It might be a Hollywood action movie, but it’s a GOOD Hollywood action movie.

Indeed, my sister Natalie took me to this movie because she wanted to see it, and she really liked it despite not knowing anything about D&D besides what I’ve told her secondhand. Our other sister had told her she was interested in seeing it, and I would say that’s the best endorsement: If you can come into this movie not knowing anything about D&D or the Forgotten Realms, and it’s still an entertaining movie on its own terms, then that’s a success.

REVIEW: Strange New Worlds (Season One)

I took the plunge and got Paramount Plus (since I could just add it to my existing Amazon Prime account) and eventually binged Star Trek: Strange New Worlds Season One to see if it held to the standard it had in the publicly released pilot.

Some impressions:

The girl playing Spock’s fiancee (Gia Sandhu) is better at doing Leonard Nimoy’s raised-eyebrow lift than Ethan Peck (the guy currently playing Spock).

If there’s anything I don’t like about SNW, it’s how they changed the Gorn into basically a race of space-faring Xenomorphs who cannot be reasoned with, which is especially odd because the one Original Series episode that used the Gorn (‘Arena’) started with the premise that they were a savage race but then Kirk found out they had their own reasons to feel threatened by the Federation, and the encounter managed to work out peacefully.
The security chief La’an (Christine Chong) is clearly the least sympathetic character, though I also think that’s on purpose. This is that much more obvious in the episodes where Chong is allowed to play against type.

Strange New Worlds was advertised as being more episodic (like the original Star Trek or TNG) in comparison to Discovery or Picard which have been focused on season-arcing plots. This is not exactly true. There’s no over-arcing “Big Bad/Bad Wolf” motif in Season 1, but there are several character arcs that recur over the course of the season, such as the courtship of Spock and T’Pring (which the audience knows will end badly), and the parallel flirtation between Spock and Nurse Chapel (Jess Bush), teasing what might be an interesting Season 2 with the villain played by Jesse James Keitel being married to Spock’s half-brother, the villain of Star Trek V. I mean, they could screw up that premise but I doubt they could screw it up as much as that movie did.

They finally gave a background to Number One (Rebecca Romijn), a character from the ’60s pilot who was so much of a cipher that the script didn’t give her a name other than “Number One.” Even in this production, her given name “Una” is just a synonym for “one.” Prior to SNW, fan fiction had assumed that Number One’s artificial identity meant she comes from some Human offshoot culture, and that turns out to be the case: Una is an Illyrian, from a Human nation that deals with the Federation but cannot join it because they use genetic engineering as applied technology when the Federation maintains a ban on it,due to the Eugenics Wars and the legacy of superman dictators like Khan Noonien Singh. What complicates things is that La’an considers Number One to be her role model as a Starfleet officer, but her surname is Noonien-Singh, which accounts for much of her character angst. (‘What’s your name, soldier?’ ‘Bill. Bill Hitler. No relation.’) La’an and Dr. M’Benga agree to keep Una’s secret but when it comes out, Una is arrested by Starfleet in a season-ending cliffhanger.

The engineer discovers that M’Benga (Babs Olusanmokun) has been using power from the transporter, and the doctor eventually tells Una that he has a young child with a fatal blood disease, and he smuggled her aboard in the transporter, keeping her in beam-lock as a makeshift suspended animation while he works on a cure. He takes her out periodically to share time and to read her favorite fairy tale book. This mini-arc gets resolved in the most deliberately silly episode of the season.

Pike (Anson Mount) remains haunted by his vision of the future, knowing that he saves young cadets from a radiation accident but is then condemned to live the rest of his life in a power chair that only allows him to click “YES” or “NO” (because in 1967, the effects department at NBC couldn’t imagine the interface system that Stephen Hawking had access to by the mid-1980s). However he is not aware of how he ends up after that (which was the story of original Trek’s ‘The Menagerie’) so he assumes that that vision is the end of his life. He also seems remarkably willing to discuss this issue with other people, given that the events surrounding Discovery Season 2 are supposed to be a Federation secret on par with the existence of Talos IV.

Pike’s latest attempt to thwart this fate leads to “A Quality of Mercy”, which is probably the best overall episode in terms of the level of its stakes and how it reinforces both Pike’s sacrifice and the bond he makes with Spock. Unfortunately, Paul Wesley (guest starring as Captain Kirk) through no fault of his own, less resembles William Shatner than Jim Carrey playing William Shatner on In Living Color.

That particular episode also implied that Kirk was ultimately the better captain where it counted and that it was better for the universe that Pike didn’t save himself from his future. In Strange New Worlds, they’ve made Pike a happy medium between the American military mindset of Captain Kirk and the compassionate humanism of Captain Picard, but in this alternate-timeline run of original Trek’s “Balance of Terror” episode, Pike ultimately decided to let the Romulans live, when the failure of their mission in the main timeline was what stopped a general war.

I really like the cast, especially Mount. If I squint hard enough, I can almost imagine him as Jeffrey Hunter. However, Ethan Peck just doesn’t come off as Spock to me. He doesn’t remind me of Leonard Nimoy or even Zachary Quinto. As I’ve said, it matters less when you have new actors for characters the audience has only seen once or twice (Pike, Number One, M’Benga) and more when you have characters who’ve been around most of the series (Kirk, Spock, Uhura, Chapel). Again, I LIKE these people, and I like what they’re doing with the characters, but they don’t really bring to mind the Original Series.

Strange New Worlds actually IS what Discovery was promoted as – an attempt to take pre-Kirk Star Trek in a new direction with modern sensibilities and production values – and while in the back of my mind it’s just not enough like original Trek to me, it’s good enough on its own terms to where it’s worth watching. Not just that, it’s better Trek in one season than half of Discovery and two-thirds of Star Trek: Picard. And now we’ve got the preview for Season 2, which looks to be much the same, only more so. Plus, the Klingons are back, and their makeup DOESN’T suck.

REVIEW: Star Trek: Picard (Season 3)

The main triumph of Star Trek: Picard‘s final season, after an “okay” first season and a completely unsatisfactory Season 2, is that it leaves fans wanting more.

All the more strange that it was largely the product of showrunner Terry Matalas, who was also strongly involved in Picard Season 2. But as Matalas put it in interviews, he thought that just as there was more that could be done showing Picard’s development in relative real time years after Star Trek: Nemesis, he also thought that that movie wasn’t a proper send-off to the Next Generation crew, and likened their reunion in this season to the final adventure of the original cast in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. Which figures, because in comparison to the deliberately low-key Season 1 and the wandering Season 2, Season 3 Picard (like Star Trek VI) was a tightly focused narrative that retained action and suspense even as the threat in the story was only gradually revealed.

I have always considered Amanda Plummer to be awkward and irritating. In this case it actually worked. But she was good enough in portraying the pain and vengefulness of her character that Vadic’s death at that point in the storyline actually seemed anti-climax. That, and bringing back the fan favorite characters Ro Larren and Shelby just to kill them off as soon as they appeared were the only false notes of the season.

And then the whole thing turned out to be an intricate Borg plot, which explained a great deal about both Jack Crusher and Picard, but it also required a little bit more explanation that a casual viewer might have needed. First, the Borg villain was the original Borg Queen voiced by Alice Krige in the First Contact movie, as opposed to the Picard Season 2 Queen played by the late Annie Wersching, whom the crew picked up from a dystopian alternate history and who ended up merging with Agnes Jurati before the end of that story. Second, the reason the Borg Queen was so screwed up here is actually because of the series finale of Star Trek: Voyager, when Kathryn Janeway infected her with a terrible pathogen, which in the Picard finale is revealed to have killed most of the Collective as the Queen was forced to “cannibalize” them for her own survival. So really, this should have been a great tie-in to Voyager as well as The Next Generation, but according to fanzine articles, they couldn’t bring in Kate Mulgrew, or use Tim Russ for more than a couple of scenes, cause apparently Terry Matalas and the other producers just didn’t have the budget.

And then in only one year, Jack got through cadet training in time to join the USS Titan‘s crew, after they rechristened the ship the Enterprise (G). Which on one hand is cool, but on the other hand is the ultimate erasure of Captain Shaw (Todd Stashwick).

But in the wake of this optimistic finale, and the success of this season, there’s a lot of buzz (encouraged by Matalas) to continue using the younger characters (with Raffi and Captain Seven) in a continuation series, projected title Star Trek: Legacy. I’d even heard they were going to try some way to bring back the martyred Shaw, who started off as the season’s by-the-book Starfleet bad guy but became a fan favorite once people realized he was right much of the time.

The fact that they could present an unsympathetic character and then round him out (as they did with Vadic) is a good example of how this season used all of its elements correctly, as opposed to wasting people like Picard Season 2 did. Using Raffi (Michelle Hurd) and her story arc to bring in Worf (Michael Dorn) as opposed to bringing him straight into the main cast, worked really well and showed how both characters could work in the shadows, as well as displaying their sense of humor. The repeated return of Brent Spiner as Dr. Soong’s last “golem” actually had a clever resolution to the Data/Lore conflict. LeVar Burton as Geordi LaForge got to display more deep emotion in his scenes than he ever did in the whole Next Generation series. And this season, by extension the entire series, was a vindication for Jeri Ryan and Seven of Nine, who was clearly brought into Voyager for blatant sex appeal but (let’s face it) gave that show some much-needed edge.

The last couple episodes were a bit pat and “fan service” but they actually worked, and like The Next Generation’s series finale, created a satisfying ending for the main characters while still setting up possibilities for the future. And again, the producers really seems to be trying to make that happen, although the network budget constraints that killed some of their ideas might prevent “Legacy” from taking off. Still, it was announced earlier this year that Star Trek: Discovery is ending after next season, and the fact that Picard Season 3 was both popular with fans and a high-quality storyline should give more momentum to future Trek projects, as opposed to how the sails were deflated with the last appearance of the Next Generation cast in Star Trek: Nemesis. Not to mention, the other seasons of Star Trek: Picard.

The Way Things Are Going, They’re Gonna Crucify Me

In Western Christianity, this is “Holy Week” – commemorating the short period between Christ arriving in Jerusalem, being arrested by the Romans and condemned to die before rising on Easter. It also happens to be the same week that Donald Trump, once and future Viceroy for Russian North America, was first arraigned on criminal offenses by the State of New York.

Lest I seem mocking in comparing Trump to Jesus, it is a comparison seriously made by his fan club, which was formerly called the Republican Party. As Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (BR.-Georgia) told a reporter in New York Tuesday, Trump is in the same situation as Nelson Mandela and Jesus, being prosecuted by the state.

No, Trump really is like Jesus. I mean, look at the comparisons: They can both turn water into wine and sugar into cocaine, they both hang out with sex workers, and they both have close friends and family who are Jewish even though most of their worshipers don’t like to admit it.

Just as Jesus was arrested by the Romans on a Tuesday, this Tuesday Trump actually had to enter a courtroom and while there were some photos, there wasn’t much of a transcript as to why the proceeding took almost 90 minutes. It was most notable for the photo shot of Trump sitting at a bench with his lawyers, with that same worn-out, defeated look he has when he leaves a closed-door meeting with Vladimir Putin. Outside meanwhile, you had professional Trumpniks like Greene trying to raise support for their Messiah while getting drowned out by native New Yorkers. It was like the Bane speech to Batman in The Dark Knight Rises, only substitute “the darkness” with “obnoxiousness.” One thing we did find out from the arraignment is that while the Judge, Juan Merchan did not give Trump a specific gag order, he did direct him to refrain from inflammatory statements as the case proceeded to trial. But as soon as he could, Trump got in his motorcade to the airport, almost as if he hated the city that made him as much as it now hates him, then flew back to his fortress in Mar-a-Lago to give a prime-time speech that hardly any major network covered, bad-mouthing the judge and his family -once he was no longer in New York jurisdiction.

Or as the poets said in Ancient Rome, “Alligator Mouth, Hummingbird Ass.”

What did we actually find out during the event?

According to the statement of facts released Tuesday, the Trump Organization’s machinations centered on various attempts to shut down the never-ending scandals that had the potential to sabotage Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign. Much of it was with the assistance of National Enquirer/American Media Incorporated head David Pecker. These were called “catch and kill” deals, where Trump’s people would get Pecker to offer a certain amount of money for rights to their sleazy story, but instead of publishing the piece, the National Enquirer would sit on it and keep it from getting out. One thing we didn’t know until Tuesday was that a former doorman at Trump Tower had a rumor that Trump had fathered a child with a woman who wasn’t Stormy Daniels or Karen McDougal. AMI paid this guy $30,000 for his story. “When AMI determined that the story was not true, the AMI CEO [Pecker] wanted to release the Doorman from the agreement. However Lawyer A [Michael Cohen] instructed the AMI CEO not to release the doorman until after the presidential election, and the AMI CEO complied with that instruction because of his agreement with the Defendant [Trump] and Lawyer A.” Shortly after the Access Hollywood (‘grab ’em by the pussy’) tape, AMI’s editor-in-chief contacted Pecker about another woman, Stormy Daniels (listed in the statement as ‘Woman 2’, as opposed to Karen McDougal, who is Woman 1 – keeping up so far?) who alleged that she had a sexual encounter with Defendant Trump while he was married. AMI arranged a deal to keep Daniels quiet, giving her $130,000. Twelve days before the 2016 election, Cohen drew $130,000 from a home loan, put it into a shell account, and used that to pay Daniels off. After the election, Trump repaid Cohen in installments, but had his Chief Financial Officer Allen Weisselberg double the amount to $260,000 so that Cohen could classify the payment as income on tax returns (for ‘legal services’) rather than a reimbursement, allowing Cohen to make a profit once he’d paid income tax on the payment, assuming a total tax liability of 50 percent. So, not technically money-laundering, but pretty close. Close enough for the law, anyway. Not only did Michael Cohen go to prison over this, it was known during his trial that Trump was in fact aware of the payments Cohen made and agreed to pay him back. It was also revealed in the statement that Trump tried to delay the payment to Daniels as long as possible, preferably after the election, “because by that point it would not matter if the story became public.”

So so much for the idea that Trump was just trying to protect Melania from being hurt by the knowledge he’d had an affair. I mean, Melania was dating Trump when he was separated but not divorced from Marla Maples, so I don’t think it would surprise her that he was cheating. I mean, not like Melania is less likely to leave Trump than Lindsey Graham is. On that score, given that the transactions occurred just after the Access Hollywood tape, the Trump team, and most observers, really thought Trump was on the ropes, and one more scandal might have been enough. I don’t know. People hated Hillary Clinton THAT damn much, and the Trumpniks were that damn fanatic. I mean, early in the campaign, Trump said, in jest, “I could shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue and not lose any votes.” And the Republican Party has proven him right, rhetorically, ever since, every chance they get. All he needs to do now is actually kill somebody on Fifth Avenue, and we’ll know for sure. You might scoff, but I can see Lindsey Graham on Fox News now: “Look Sean, that three-year old was PACKING!!”

The statement of facts says that the participants mischaracterized the nature of the payments “for tax purposes.” The specific details of this constitute 34 felony counts against Defendant Trump. Now, under New York law, falsifying financial records is just a misdemeanor, but there is provision to change the charge to a felony if the State believes the act was to facilitate another crime or frustrate investigation of another crime. Also, misdemeanors have a statute of limitations. However, the statement of facts does not specify what second offense would justify elevating the charges to felonies.

But even though there are weaknesses in the case that a competent lawyer could exploit, that would assume Trump had a competent lawyer. That doesn’t seem to be the case. Trump runs through lawyers like Spinal Tap runs through drummers, and for similar reasons. While there were a couple people on Trump’s legal team Tuesday who looked like members of Homo sapiens sapiens, his main lawyer is currently a guy named Joe Tacopina, who was probably most famous for his grappling match against MSNBC’s Ari Melber as he tried to pull a document from Melber’s hand during an interview.

Even funnier, this guy donated to a Democrat (then-Congresswoman Kathleen Rice) who called for Trump to be prosecuted over his pressure call to Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensberger to “find” enough votes to swing the state. Republicans have issued fatwas for less. Not only that, in 2018, when all this stuff with Cohen came out, Tacopina was a legal analyst on CNN where he said that he believed Trump had had an affair with Daniels because “it means it’s true if he hasn’t threatened to sue” and on another show said “this could be looked as an in-kind contribution at the time of the election.”

But apparently this guy wasn’t hired for his smarts or consistency, but because he’d been one of the guys who defended a January 6 rioter in court (unsuccessfully). Like Cohen or Anthony Scaramucci, he’s not really there to provide legal acumen but to be Trump’s mouthpiece to the mainstream media and present that New York Tough Guy attitude Trump loves to fake so much, but with the imprimatur of a law degree.

It’s going to be that much harder for Trump to defend himself, given that when he was interviewed by Sean Hannity and Sean said “I can’t imagine you ever saying, ‘bring me back some of the boxes that we brought back from the White House, I’d like to take a look at them” Trump said, “I would have the right to do that, there’s nothing wrong with it.”

Any lawyer who agrees to become Donald Trump’s defense attorney would have to be that much more stupid and gullible than he is, which would certainly explain Joe Tacopina.

Much of what Tacopina and Trump’s other legal minds have put together as a defense, prior to arraignment, was more ad hominem attacks against the various other parties, especially Michael Cohen. And certainly if Cohen wasn’t lying when he was first being investigated, he can be easily accused of not telling the truth now. Which is why I’m sure the prosecution is also relying on other sources, including Allen Weisselberg, who it seems has just switched attorneys.

But as Cohen himself said to Republicans in Congress when he was ordered to testify there, his job was to do what they’re doing now, support and defend Donald Trump. And if things keep going at this rate, they are all going to end up where he is now.

But all that being the case, it just comes back to the point that Michael Cohen is himself Exhibit A in the case. He was the instrument of the transactions, not the person who ordered them made. So if nothing Trump did rises to the level of a criminal offense, why was Cohen investigated on virtually identical charges, and why did HE go to prison for them and NOT Trump?

Which just leads to the other whine of the Church of Trump, that this is all “political” and none of these charges would be pursued if this wasn’t Trump. First, when the Republican Party’s entire agenda for the House of Representatives is “let’s get Hunter Biden’s laptop”, saying that the other side is trying to politicize the justice system is a bit rich. But frankly, none of this stuff would be happening if this wasn’t Trump, and if this wasn’t a particular moment in time. Because if it’s political to go after Trump now, it was no less “political” not to go after him when the transactions occurred. Because then he was a popular celebrity, the nominee of one of the major parties for president, eventually to be the president, and as far as his base was concerned, a sweet little boy who could never do anything wrong. To say that they’re going after Trump now because they can is to tacitly admit that they couldn’t go after Trump then, because the nature of the offenses has not changed, but the system was always acting on the basis of politics and optics and not the objective merits of the charges. So if the charges are the same as they were years ago, what has changed in regard to Trump since he became President?

Shall we review again?

Fired the FBI director who was in charge of investigating Trump’s activities prior to the election, telling Lester Holt that he did so specifically over the “Russia thing”, immediately thereafter gave intelligence to the Russian Foreign Minister while he was in Washington, had a press conference with Putin where he basically spread his cheeks and let Putin ream him in front of international cameras,

Played “both sides” to support white supremacists at the Charlottesville protest, including Richard Spencer and David Duke,

Gave his son-in-law a position of power in his Administration, basically as Minister Without Portfolio, since he was never approved by Congress, said son-in-law used that position to make money off the Saudis, and used that influence to pressure Qatar into refinancing his real estate deal, including a Saudi blockade of Qatar, said son-in-law was appointed to lead a coronavirus task force in 2020, and in that capacity shut down vaccine research, allegedly on the grounds that “the political folks believed that because [the virus] was going to be relegated to Democratic states, that they could blame those governors and that would be an effective political strategy.”

And when refusing to deal with coronavirus somehow led to more Democrats voting and more Republicans splitting the ticket, he ran through various schemes such as appointing “substitute electors” in red states that went for Biden, personally called Raffensberger to swing Georgia by himself, and when all that didn’t work, tried to pressure his own Vice President, Mike Pence, into decertifying the vote, getting his people like Steve Bannon to organize mobs around the January event, and when Pence refused to go along, that mob broke through the doors of the Capitol, hunted legislators, smeared feces on the walls, and ran Confederate battle flags through the halls of the Capitol, which Robert E. Lee was never able to do.

Let’s just say any ONE of these should have inspired an appropriate response from authorities.

Oh, I didn’t even get into the weeds of Trump holding all those government documents at Mar-a-Lago just cause he says he can.

The outrage is not that Our Lord And Savior is being obsessively persecuted by the “deep state” (which prior to Trump was just ‘the state’) but that it’s taken them SO GODDAMN LONG.

And if this is the weakest case against Trump, look at all the other cases building up, like the Mar-a-Lago documents case and the Georgia case where it’s going to be extremely hard to prove that Brad Raffensberger didn’t catch Trump attempting election tampering on tape. Everybody’s waiting for the next shoe to drop, and Trump’s got more “shoes” than Imelda Marcos.

Happy Easter. Remember, Good Christians (TM), Trump can’t really be Jesus until he’s crucified.

They Just INDICATED Me!!!

March 30, 2023.

A day which will live in Schadenfreude.

On that day, a New York grand jury, after hearing weeks of evidence, voted to indict former president Donald Trump, on charges to be specified at the hearing. And Trump’s response on Truf Censhal was with the usual flair:

“These Thugs and Radical Left Monsters have just INDICATED the 45th President of the United States of America, and the leading Republican candidate, by far, for the 2024 nomination for President. THIS IS AN ATTACK ON OUR COUNTRY THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE. IT IS LIKEWISE A CONTINUING ATTACK ON OUR ONCE FREE AND FAIR ELECTIONS. THE USA IS NOW A THIRD WORLD NATION, A NATION IN SERIOUS DECLINE. SO SAD!”

(Posted in ALL CAPS, because as we know, the three loudest things in the universe are the original Big Bang explosion, Disaster Area, and Donald Trump social media posts.)


Well, at least he spelled “INDICATED” correctly.

Again, the public has not been made aware of the specific charges, but based on the investigations that were known up to this point, charges seem to stem from money paid out to porn actress Stormy Daniels so that she would not confess to an affair with Trump in 2006. This payment was arranged in October 2016, just before the presidential election that Trump ended up winning. While some would describe this as a financial arrangement between consenting adults, we know this qualifies as a crime because Trump’s lawyer and “fixer”, Michael Cohen, who actually made the payments, was convicted for doing so. At the time, Cohen insisted that he did not make the payments in collusion with Trump, but later turned against his boss and admitted that the money was transferred to his accounts. On May 2, 2018, Trump’s new lawyer, Rudy Guiliani, admitted that Trump had reimbursed Cohen. So… if it was a crime for Cohen, why is it NOT a crime for the “Individual One” who was listed as a “co-conspirator” in his case?

Trump’s logorrhea in this case is yet another example that every one of his accusations is either a projection or a confession. He is in no position to talk about free and fair elections when he whined about losing the popular vote in the 2016 election that he won with the Electoral College, and when we actually had a free and fair election in 2020 and he lost the popular vote AND the EC, he attacked that free and fair election by sending a lynch mob after the Congress that met to certify it. And if we are subjecting a former head of government to prosecution for criminal acts – as France has done at least once, and as Israel is doing with Benjamin Netanyahu – we are becoming less like a Third World nation, not more.

Which all leads to the question of how things will proceed. Supposedly Trump has agreed to fly to New York on Monday in order to appear in court Tuesday, when the charges will be unsealed. He will most likely have to be fingerprinted and recorded like any other suspect, although most sources agree he will not have to do a “perp walk” in handcuffs. After all, Trump is already under Secret Service escort at all times. What’s he going to do, flee to Russia as soon as it looks like he’s going to be arrested?

We are being told by the media that in order to preserve “the rule of law” that all proper legal procedures must be in place to protect the rights of a defendant, which is true, but elides the point that throughout his life, Donald Trump has had far more than the presumption of innocence, but has always acted on a presumption of immunity – as the formerly most criminal president in history, Richard Nixon, put it, “if the president does it, that means it’s NOT illegal.”

Of course Trump was not actually president at the time these transactions occurred, but that just gets to the larger point, that he has always acted as though he could do anything he wants because someone is always going to protect him. Because up until now, he has always had reason to believe that.

The liberal media keeps referring to Trump and this case by saying “no one is above the law.” But the fact that Trump has gotten away with as much as he has, as long as he has, proves that’s not the case, and it never really has been. But that’s okay. After all, we also keep saying “all men are created equal”, when in the legal system all men have never been equal to each other, let alone to women.

When we say “no man is above the law” or “all men are created equal”, these are not realities. These are aspirations. These are goals. And as long as we see that they are national aspirations and not the reality, we can make progress. This country has become more equitable insofar as we are capable of recognizing the contradiction between our ideal and our reality. Unlike some ideals, it is quite possible to make the legal system more fair, if not abstractly perfect. We can at least make it better than it was. People like Trump coast on the unfair reality of the world as it is, and that is what they seek to preserve. Far from a fair system, they want a sugar daddy government for themselves and a Road Warrior barbarism for the rest of us. When they whine that being equal under the law makes this country MORE of a Third World regime, they are not asking for a free country with fair elections. They want to indulge their desire to look up to a king.

Bad enough that that is the case, but Trump and the fan club that used to be a political party are willing to resort to intimidation. When Trump first heard he was going to be indicted, he first told his gang to protest at the court (when he should have known from local experience that NYPD aren’t nearly as restrained as Capitol Police) and then made a post on Truf Censhal showing a picture of him with a baseball bat next to a picture of New York District Attorney Alvin Bragg, raising his hand. When the actual indictment came, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis spoke up for the resident of his state, saying “The Soros-backed Manhattan District Attorney has consistently bent the law to downgrade felonies and to excuse criminal misconduct. Yet, now he is stretching the law to target a political opponent”. So the guy who is setting himself up to be the alternative to Trump in 2024 is going along with all the George Soros dog-whistling and antagonism to big cities, just like Daddy Trump does. Raising the question, is DeSantis really running for President, or Trump’s Vice President?

All of which sort of blows away the tut-tutting on MSDNC and other networks prior to the actual indictment about whether charges over an affair are worth a criminal case against Trump, when there’s so many more serious charges we should be pursuing. But as Cohen himself told the press, Al Capone was only convicted on tax evasion. And let’s review what we’re really dealing with: A populist who bragged about his support from the “poorly educated”, who said he would pay the legal costs for any fans who beat up protestors at his rallies, who openly begged Russia to release hacked intel on the Hillary Clinton campaign (which they DID), who as President fired people specifically because they investigated him, who hired an Attorney General (Bill Barr) largely to undermine investigations against him, who refused to admit the extent of coronavirus in 2020 because it would undermine his deals with Communist China, who told state governments to not allow special measures to vote by mail during the pandemic, because it helped his chances of re-election if people were less likely to vote, who still lost that second election anyway and refused to admit it, and who encouraged social media campaigns to organize violence against the certification, threatening the lives of Republican congressmen, not to mention his own Vice President.

This has gone far beyond having a difference of opinion. When you try to stop an election result from proceeding, you lose all right to talk about “FREE AND FAIR ELECTIONS” or rights when you certainly wouldn’t have given any rights to the people on the other side. Trump isn’t just some mean old conservative that woke liberals hate, he’s an active threat to national security. He has exhausted any benefit of the doubt, and any right to sympathy. And that goes double for anybody who looks at where he’s taken this country and thinks, “we need some MORE of that.” Bluntly, who gives a fuck which charge they get Trump on, as long as they GET him?

And if this doesn’t pan out – remember, it is a jury trial – there are all those other cases that the Feds and other states (namely Georgia) have waiting in the wings. If it was just one case of criminality, you could take your chances with the legal system. But Donald Trump is in a unique situation because of all our public personalities, only Trump lies, swindles and commits crimes like other people breathe. As in, he does so on reflex, and if he ever stops, he might die.

On the bright side, history also shows that while Al Capone got an 11-year prison sentence, he was released after only 7 1/2 years, after doctors diagnosed a case of syphilis that was slowly destroying his brain and his ability to function normally. But then we have no cause to believe that Donald Trump is suffering from an illness that is destroying his brain, much less an illness contracted from sexual incontinence.

REVIEW: Cocaine Bear

Cocaine Bear is a movie about a bear on cocaine. It is based on a true story. Sorta. In 1985 a botched cocaine run dropped a 75 pound load of cocaine in the Tennessee wilderness and later investigators in neighboring Georgia found a black bear that died after ripping through all the containers of coke. The medical examiner decided to have the animal preserved, and it still exists under the nickname “Pablo Eskobear.” Cocaine Bear takes an amusing but minor incident and turns it into a story that has about as much relationship with the facts as Bohemian Rhapsody has to the history of the band Queen, except that instead of Freddie Mercury running around on Quaaludes, you have a giant bear running berserk on cocaine. I mean, that’s almost as dangerous as a human on cocaine.

The bear in question never got the chance to attack any humans, and the film points out that normally black bears do not. However, in this story there is a combination of stray travelers doing the stupid thing and the contacts of the drug smuggler trying to recoup their loss, all going into the forest and becoming targets. Cocaine Bear is directed by Elizabeth Banks, the actor turned filmmaker who was also behind Pitch Perfect 2. It is also noteworthy as the last role of the late Ray Liotta, the star of Martin Scorsese’s Goodfellas, which had maybe as much profanity as this movie. Well, the level of profanity is probably about right, given that the human characters are being chased by a giant bear on cocaine.

Some reviewers have presented this movie as a land version of Jaws, only played for laughs. Why is it somehow funny when the monster is a bear? Well, it’s a matter of human conditioning. We see animals like fish and insects as alien, and so they are disturbing as horror subjects. Whereas soft, fuzzy animals are cute. Cats, even great cats, are soft, fuzzy animals and therefore attractive. Bears are soft, fuzzy animals. Bears are cute. They are also giant omnivores. So a black bear is a land mammal that is simultaneously terrifying and adorable. Much like Aubrey Plaza.

It is probably a spoiler to say that the movie still has a happy ending for some of its characters. Including the bear. This is another change from the historical fact, because a black bear cannot eat 75 pounds of cocaine and survive, unlike Guns n’ Roses or Republican politicians.

So go see Cocaine Bear. It’s the story of a bear.

On cocaine.

REVIEW: Star Trek: Picard Season 3 (Episode 1)

I recently reviewed Star Trek: Picard Season 2 in preparation for seeing Season 3. Like a lot of people I was quite disappointed with the second arc’s arbitrary plotting and implausible writing and with this season, advertised as the last one, promising a reunion with the main cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation, it’s hoped that things will pick back up.

Shortly after the events of Season 2, Picard has finally developed a relationship with his aide, Laris (Orla Brady) and is planning to go on a trip with her to a Romulan aid colony. But the episode actually starts with Picard’s former love, Dr. Beverly Crusher (Gates McFadden) in deep space, manning a starship by herself with apparently one other person. She fends off an attack by mysterious aliens and is seriously wounded, and sends a coded message to Picard, through his old Enterprise-D comm badge, in order to avoid the notice of modern Starfleet. Picard recruits good old Will Riker (Jonathan Frakes), who confirms that none of the old crew have seen Beverly in about 20 years. Riker quickly decodes the message and finds Crusher’s coordinates, and decides to use his Starfleet connections to get them a ride out to the site at the edge of Federation space. This requires a bit of deception on more than one person’s part. At length Picard and Riker take a shuttle out to Beverly’s ship and are quickly ambushed but not before finding out that her passenger is her 20-year old son (Ed Speleers) – whom no one knew about. This raises the question of who this guy’s father is, although he has an English accent, which I think is a big clue.

This emphasis on The Next Generation is probably the direction the series should have taken all along (Episode 1 is actually called ‘The Next Generation’) but the series is still using Star Trek: Picard‘s main original character, Admiral Picard’s former Starfleet aide, Raffi Musiker (Michelle Hurd). She has become a street-level operative for Starfleet Intelligence and is shown trying (and failing) to stop a terrorist attack against a Starfleet facility. How this relates to the main plot has yet to be shown. It also has yet to be shown how the other principals of TNG are drawn into all this, although the navigator on Riker’s old ship happens to be Geordi LaForge’s daughter.

Terry Matalas was the main showrunner of Season 2, although on this story he seems to have done a complete re-boot, for instance putting the title sequence at the end (like on Marvel movies) and putting the secondary credits in the same font as the Next Generation credits. They’re clearly trying as much as possible to get back to the stuff fans liked about Picard and the Next Generation era, and so far it works, largely because of Jonathan Frakes’ swashbuckling spirit. It’s also got some of the more adult subject matter we’ve come to expect from this show and Star Trek’s other streaming media. It’s going to be interesting to see what happens next.

What The State Of The Union Speech Should Have Been Like

Feburary 7, 2023

President Joseph Robinette Biden

Good Evening.

My fellow Americans… I had this big, over an hour long speech set up to go, and then I realized it wasn’t gonna make any difference. The State of the Union speech doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t convince anybody who’s not already in the President’s party, it’s just something you have to do, and nobody cares anymore. I mean look, they’ve got Sarah Huckabee Sanders doing the opposition response tonight, which should show you how much Republicans care about serious discussion.

So I threw it out, and, in consultation with Barack Obama’s anger management translator, I’m just going to lay out what I think right now.

I see we’ve got a lot of celebrities in the audience tonight. Like Bono from U2. He’s probably here to steal my rhymes cause he hasn’t come up with anything good since “Vertigo.” No, really. I mean, Bono, if you guys wanted to do a Ramones tribute, why didn’t you do what Motorhead did and write something that actually sounds like a Ramones song?

A lot of people are here cause they’re just expected to be. They don’t wanna be here. Like Samuel Alito. Congratulations on becoming Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, by the way. At least you act like it.

And then there’s Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene. Yeah, I see you guys. Yeah, same to you. Hey, I gotta ask, why are you both wearing the “I’m With Stupid” T-Shirt?
Seriously, Margie, congratulations on becoming Speaker of the House. I know you worked hard for it.

(Looks over his shoulder) I said what I said.

But that kind of gets to why I’m here tonight. If the State of the Union speech serves anything, it’s for the President to lay out where he thinks our country is in the world right now, and the strength of our country, and what we can do to preserve or improve it. And to the point: The state of our Union is strong. But threatened.

And the point I want to make tonight is that none of that threat is really from outside. We are by far the most powerful economy, in the world. We have by far the most powerful military, in the world. We have, this week, set up a 2.2 billion dollar aid package for Ukraine in its defense against Russia. Now, do you remember, the first time Trump got impeached, it was when new President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was asking for military aid to deal with a Russian backed insurgency in his country, and Trump said, sure, you get that money, if you do us a favor. And that favor was doing opposition research against me, before I’d even really started a presidential campaign and before New Hampshire. Funny coincidence, there. And if you remember before that, when Barack was president, Ukraine had this pro-Russian president who got overthrown in a revolution, he fled to Russia, and then as soon as that happened, Russia just walked into Crimea? Another funny coincidence. It’s almost like, you have all these coincidences piling up to a certain result, and it quits looking like coincidence, doesn’t it?

But the fact that we’re in this position with foreign aid now is because of what we did then. We, and the world, are less affected by Russia or another outside actor than how we as a government, as a people, react. And the threat from outside was influenced by our internal response. Just like, the United States is the most powerful economy in the world. It’s often said that if the US gets a cold, other countries get pneumonia. And we’re reaching that point now. We have a decision to make on raising the debt ceiling, and if that’s not done, it affects our credit rating, and that may affect the entire world economy.

Now, I remember when the right wing was serious, that most Republicans didn’t think the federal government should be doing much more than paying to keep the lights on in the Capitol. Problem is, nowadays, what calls itself conservatism doesn’t even want to do that. They’d rather be in the dark. That’s the joke. Like, how many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? None. They’ll just sit in the dark and praise Trump for doing such a great job changing the bulb.

We lost more men on both sides in the US Civil War than in World War I, and barely lost more men in World War II. Nobody is more of a threat to our country’s success and survival than we are. And I’m comparing this situation to the Civil War, and it seems like it’s got a lot of the same motivations.

You laugh, but why were all those guys rioting to stop my election running through the Capitol carrying Confederate battle flags? Some of them probably aren’t old enough to remember Lynyrd Skynyrd.

It’s almost like even now, they don’t want to admit they lost that war. A war where their idea of “freedom” meant the freedom for some men to keep others in bondage. A war where their concept of liberty only applied to people who looked, and thought, and prayed like them. So of course they’re not going to acknowledge the popular vote OR the Electoral College. That would mean acknowledging other people have the same rights they do. That’s the whole thing: They don’t want to live in reality.

It’s all of a piece. They don’t want to work on climate change, cause that would require admitting it’s real. Democrats, we may disagree on how to deal with climate change, but we can look at the water level of Lake Mead, and the Caspian Sea, and see that it’s real. In large part, they don’t want to help Ukraine against Russia, because they don’t want to admit Russia is not our friend. And officially, the Republican Party doesn’t want to admit I’m President. But guys: I’m here. I’M THE PRESIDENT. I’m here, now, giving the State of the Union speech. This is not some telepathic projection from the Reptoids trying to control your mind. You expect me to deal with you? You’re going to have to deal with me.

Yet, the posture of the Republican Party is just carry on, like reality isn’t a thing. You don’t just have Trump refusing to admit I won, you’ve got this Kari Lake in Arizona refusing to admit Katie Hobbs is the governor and not her. I mean, jeez, if that’s really how it works, we should send the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl and not the Chiefs.

Look, that was just an example. I’m sorry Detroit. You’ve been through so much already.

We have two years left in my term. I have yet to announce officially that I’m running again. Like it makes a difference. Because we know Trump’s running again, and frankly, I’m the best chance of stopping him from getting the nuclear codes back. If I accomplish nothing else- and you all are sure trying to make sure that’s the case – it will be enough.

It would not be such an existential threat if a Republican won an election in the natural political cycle of things, but it is an existential threat when an individual can’t deal with reality. We can see from the example of Putin’s Russia what happens when an unhinged individual has no tether to outside reality and dissenting opinion. He pursues evil policies regardless of the consequences and no matter how many thousands or hundreds of thousands get killed. That has had its own effects on the world economy and standard of living. Imagine if that were us.

Imagine again if we just refused to pay our debts, a lot of which were built up just under the last Administration in four years. That’s going to cause terrible consequences to our standard of living, and worse in the rest of the world. And who do you think people are going to blame? Me, who warned you what would happen if you do it, or you, who want to do it just because I’m here and your guy isn’t?

Like I care. This is Dark Brandon you woke up here.

You really should have learned what happened the last time, and the last three to five times, you did a budget standoff. Everybody blamed you, not the Democrats. You try this again: I’m going to let you do it. And then I’m just gonna watch as you have to sit and stew and hear your constituents bitch about the budget problems YOU created for THEM. And I’m gonna see you come crying to me as if you didn’t know from all those times what would happen. And then I’m gonna tell you again: You want me to deal with you? You’re gonna have to deal with ME.

You are in no position to threaten anybody, with the budget, or with the military, because to paraphrase Ronald Reagan: Government is not the solution. Government, under Republicans, is the problem. Republicans are the reason we can’t get gun legislation. Republicans are the reason we can’t federalize abortion rights. Republicans are why the minimum wage is still less than 8 dollars an hour. You have spent as long as I remember – and that’s a long time – pulling this scam where you run for office saying “government is the problem” and then once you get elected, doing everything you can to prove it.

And if that was still working out for you, you wouldn’t be losing elections in Georgia and Arizona. You wouldn’t be trying so hard to stop Democrats from voting in Georgia and Texas and Florida. You wouldn’t have lost an abortion referendum in Kansas. You know how hard it is for Republicans to lose Kansas?

For as long as I still have, as long as I have to be here, every time you stand in the way of what needs to be done – with that FOUR SEAT majority you have – I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna whine. I’m not gonna pretend it isn’t happening. I’m just gonna let you do it, and I’m gonna let you live in your own mess. And then you’re gonna have to come to me. Because you’re standing in the way for the same reason you’re gonna let Trump take over your party again: Because you don’t have any better ideas.

So until you do, I say, in the immortal words of Dr. Dre,

“Fuck y’all. All y’all.”

Thank you, and God Bless America.

REVIEW: Star Trek: Picard – Season 2

“It’s not my job to be interesting.”

-Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: Picard, Season 2, Episode 7

They just had the first ad for Star Trek: Picard Season 3 last weekend, and it occured to me I still had to finish watching Season 2. I dunno. I don’t think I hated it as much as the rest of the Internet, but I don’t see how I could.

The best way I can describe this season is “all over the map.” It is not as focused as Picard Season 1 nor even as focused as most examples of Star Trek: Discovery, the franchise’s other example of serial season narrative. This might explain why it was harder to binge-watch the whole thing in succession compared to Discovery or Strange New Worlds: I wasn’t that invested in what I was seeing.

When I refer to focus, Picard Season 1 touched on a lot of things, such as the aging of Picard and the process of how a social-democrat Federation became a creepy semi-authoritarian state because it had been subverted by the intelligence service of a defeated enemy – like that has no relevance to current events – but there was a straight premise: Picard (Patrick Stewart) discovers that the deceased Data somehow has a daughter (Isa Briones) and needs to save her from the plot of a secret faction of the Romulan government. This quest ends up recruiting a whole new group of characters (and Seven of Nine) who seemed set up to continue their adventures in Season 2.
Well, they started Season 2 that way, with the formerly civilian Picard, Seven (Jeri Ryan), Raffi Musiker (Michelle Hurd) and Cristobal Rios (Santiago Cabrera) all regaining their Starfleet commissions and coming together for a deep space mission with Dr. Agnes Jurati (Alison Pill) that throws everything up in the air with the return of the Borg and a dimensional reset by a returned Q (John de Lancie). To set the universe back from the Human-racist dystopia it has somehow become, Picard and his friends have to use the patented slingshot-around-the-Sun method of time travel, ending up at a time that looks just like the present, apparently before the Eugenics Wars but at a point where the existence of the future Federation hinges on the mission of a young female astronaut who just happens to be named Picard. I mean, never mind that this can’t be a direct ancestor because she wouldn’t be passing on the family name. Unless she had a child as a single mother. Which is just the first of the cutesy ways this story attempted to dramatically link everything together without considering the consequences.

It would be one thing to start with the continuity from Season 1, and then find some reason to upset it. It’s another thing to throw everything completely out of continuity and then make increasingly strained attempts to bring in characters or actors from Season 1 who have no reason to be there. Like poor Elnor (Evan Evagora) who started this season as a Starfleet cadet under Raffi, became a Romulan guerrilla against the Human fascist timeline, then got tortured and killed no later than Episode 2, occasionally appearing as a flashback or hallucination to haunt a guilty Raffi. Soji (Briones’ character) has no reason to be in this story, so after briefly catching up with her in the first episode, the 21st Century story moves to Briones playing Kore, a medical patient whose father is Brent Spiner playing yet another Soong ancestor, except that this guy is totally unsympathetic and ends up being the reason that Earth becomes an authoritarian regime at war with aliens – which was briefly alluded to in Episode 2 but isn’t really connected until the end of Episode 8.

To the extent that any of this connects to Picard or his internal situation, it’s in something that old Q ends up saying to young Guinan (Ito Aghayere): Humans are “trapped in the past.” She later tells Picard that this is a strength of the race, in that “you live in the past until you’re able to reconcile it, you do the work because you want to evolve.” In Picard’s case, despite settling down and regaining his status in Starfleet, he isn’t able to get close to his recently-widowed Romulan head of staff (Orla Brady) and can’t explain why. In another one of the too-obvious coincidences, when Picard’s team slingshots to the 21st Century, he has them crash-land Rios’ ship at the Picard estate (which is abandoned at this point) to plan out options, but the darkened grounds bring up family trauma which he was apparently doing a great job of suppressing, because this was the first time in the character’s history that it came up. The temporal agent who is assigned to protect astronaut Picard (who is also played by Brady and who just happens to be Romulan) asks Picard if Q brought him back so he could confront these experiences, and in the final confrontation at Chateau Picard against Soong and a Borged-out Jurati, Picard remembers his mother’s tragic fate, which was pretty clearly telegraphed over several episodes.

Childhood trauma and emotional repression are important issues for Stewart, which he’s spoken about in his personal life, but are we really supposed to believe that Q pulled off all this craziness just so that Picard could learn to forgive himself and open up to love? Well, actually, that does sound just like the sort of thing Q would do, since at least one episode of Next Generation has confirmed that Q did feel sentimental about Jean-Luc. But those episodes were much better executed and didn’t take ten hours to get to the point.

There are great bits and pieces, like in Episode 8, where a de-Borged Seven of Nine, now more in touch with her emotions and empathy, is thus capable of telling Raffi that she’s manipulative and full of shit. But it was a bit hard to follow one thing in particular when we had characters like Renee Picard and Kore brought in one episode and then not used much or at all the next, to say nothing of Rios, as a Hispanic, literally landing in Los Angeles and getting tangled up with a young doctor serving the illegal immigrant community in this show’s most obvious reference to current events. Although that particular romance is probably the best acted part of the season.

And why did Q die? Like much else, there isn’t a believable explanation. Just as there isn’t an explanation for why Brent Spiner chose to let Data die but came back as another character and is supposed to be back in Picard Season 3 as Lore, without makeup and not much explanation for that. But if there’s a theme running through the whole series of Star Trek: Picard, it doesn’t seem to be aging and death per se. Rather, as one ages toward death, one has to say goodbye to the past, including all those people who were the main part of it.

Heavy, if not depressing, stuff. And now Season 3 is supposed to bring back all the other stars of Next Generation in a final goodbye to the series. I had said that Picard Season 1 was well-acted but not very well written, and Season 2 is that much more badly written, to the active detriment of the story. In both stories, they managed to stick the landing, barely, but one hopes that this coming season is a better journey towards the end.

Rules Lawyering

“The secret we should never let the gamemasters know is that they don’t need any rules.”

-Gary Gygax

Well, this January, the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game finally achieved national attention as a mainstream pastime, although not for a good reason.

Wizards of the Coast (also known as Wizards, WOTC or WotC, pronounced ‘wotsey’) bought out TSR, the company that created Dungeons & Dragons, in 1997. Wizards was in turn bought out by the mega-corporate game company Hasbro in 1999. Shortly thereafter they refurbished the game brand with the 3rd Edition of D&D, creating much needed streamlines and changes and bringing the game’s popularity to a new level. The game has been in 5th Edition since 2012 and is more popular with more mainstream exposure than ever, largely thanks to Critical Role, other online game broadcasts, and pop culture allusions like the Netflix series Stranger Things.

Part of this media share, the reason that “D&D” refers to the roleplaying hobby the way “Coke” refers to all carbonated sodas, is because of the Open Game License, an ingenious feature that the (then) owners of Wizards created for use with D&D 3rd Edition. One of those people, Ryan Dancey, referred to it as a “copyleft” document. The OGL asserts the existence of Wizards’ copyright as it pertains to “Product Identity”, trade dress, features unique to the company’s product such as owlbears and mind flayers in D&D. This is because it has been established that certain things like medieval fantasy or role-playing games are not copyrightable in themselves, but the features of Product Identity are. At the time, Dancey said, “One of my fundamental arguments is that by pursuing the Open Gaming concept, Wizards can establish a clear policy on what it will, and will not allow people to do with its copyrighted materials. Just that alone should spur a huge surge in independent content creation that will feed into the D&D network.” Thus it did. By allowing the use of its game mechanics (the ‘Open Game Content’) to be used by third parties, WotC greatly expanded the industry but in such a way that it promoted D&D’s brand, since new publishers were creating material that referred to their core D&D product.

Over the last year or so, WotC has been promoting “One D&D”, so called because rather than being a new or 6th Edition, it is supposed to be making all editions compatible with each other. This project was also supposed to integrate new play elements that have recently become popular, such as virtual tabletop (VTT) play.

Now, given that WotC has rights to the OGL, there was always a question of whether or not they couldn’t just take it and invalidate it if it interfered with what they wanted to do as a company. The company response from the website FAQ had long stated that the OGL “already defines what will happen to content that has been previously distributed using an earlier version, in Section 9. As a result, even if Wizards made a change you disagreed with, you could continue to use an earlier, acceptable version at your option. In other words, there’s no reason for Wizards to ever make a change that the community of people using the Open Gaming License would object to, because the community would just ignore the change anyway”. Notably, this part of the company’s FAQ was recently removed about the time Wizards started pursuing One D&D.

In Wizards’ press releases between fall 2022 and January 2023, they had stated that “The Dungeons & Dragons Open Gaming License Isn’t Going Anywhere” even though they did specify that third-party creators would need to report income above $50,000, and specifying that certain media like NFTs are not and never were allowed under the OGL. But that was from a Gizmodo article in December before Christmas. On January 5, Linda Codega, the author of that Gizmodo article, released details of an “OGL 1.1” which was supposedly obtained through a non-WotC developer. Most notably, in addition to the income details, the text states that the agreement is “an update to the previously available OGL 1.0(a), which is no longer an authorized license agreement.” And while a third party owned any product it would create with this license, it said “You agree to give Us a nonexclusive, perpetual, irrevocable, sub-licensable, royalty-free license to use that content for any purpose.”

Supposedly this thing was a draft (which was the defense Wizards eventually used to respond to the mess) but in their investigations, Codega had also interviewed people in Kickstarter who confirmed they had already negotiated terms of the document as it stood; specifically OGL 1.1 dictated that a company which grossed more than $750,000 from 3rd-party product had to pay 25 percent of its gross over that figure to WotC. The Kickstarter person told Codega they had made an agreement to make that figure 20 percent for a project that was promoted through Kickstarter, which indirectly confirms that Wizards was using the “draft” as the basis for negotiations. Notably, while all reports are that the One D&D is still in playtest stage and not planned to release until 2024, OGL 1.1 section VII.A said it was to take effect January 13, 2023.

It was perhaps telling that Wizards not only didn’t understand why this got a negative reaction in the larger gaming community but that they did not respond to the negative reaction immediately. After January 4, several companies that made their living off OGL product announced they were developing new game systems independent of the OGL. Wizards were supposed to do their official press announcement of the new setup January 12, and then they just… didn’t. But the same day, WotC’s main fantasy competitor, Paizo, got together with some other companies and decided it was going to make a coalition to sponsor an Open RPG Creative license, nickname “ORC”. The difference is that the intent is to make sure that the license will be owned and managed by an independent party that does not own a game company.

On January 19 – two weeks after the Gizmodo article – WotC finally released an post in the D&D Beyond website announcing the OGL “1.2”, an action which confirmed two things: the company is responding to demand to kill OGL 1.1, but it still wanted to kill 1.0. As part of the process, they asked fans to take a survey on their site, and and according to that site, “So far, survey responses have made it clear that this draft of OGL 1.2 hasn’t hit the mark for our community”. Most of the feedback I got is that the main response to the survey is: “Killing OGL 1.0 is a mistake and you shouldn’t go through with it and I’m not buying your product until you change course.” While 1.2 gets rid of a lot of the stuff that offended the community, like paying royalties to the company, it still specifically deauthorized 1.0, and says stuff like “We and you each waive any right to a jury trial of any dispute”, as though that were a concession on their part, especially since it says before that “This license and all matters relating to its interpretation and enforcement will be governed by the laws of the State of Washington, and any disputes arising out of or relating to this license will be resolved solely and exclusively through individual litigation in the state or federal courts located in the county in which Wizards (or any successor) has its headquarters” – in other words, the company has legal home-field advantage, and class action suits are not allowed in regard to the document.

Well, just today, January 27, the company outright caved. Their previous announcement had stated that open game material would be under a Creative Commons license even as they retained rights to the SRD (System Reference Document, whichever version of core D&D happens to be the current edition at the time). Today they announced not only that they are abandoning attempts to change the OGL from 1.0, they are moving the SRD itself to Creative Commons.

Again, this little issue with what used to be considered a niche of entertainment has gotten a lot of national press attention. Because it actually touches on a lot of serious issues.

WotC as owners of the SRD got to determine how that document is used at any time. We already know this.
But to paraphrase Dr. Ian Malcolm, they were so busy determining whether they could that they never considered whether they should.

It’s like with public affairs and the concept of positive and negative rights. “Positive” rights assume that a liberal government is going to provide them and negative rights assume that human rights are inherent in nature (or given by God) and the purpose of government is only to protect them. For instance, in America, freedom of speech means the government cannot interfere in your exercise of speech or practice of religion. It does not mean that government has to provide you a media platform. Liberals use terms like “a human right” for this and that, eliding the point that the Founders didn’t think that’s how rights worked. We nevertheless have government do certain things because we as a republic have agreed to put money into them, and they improve our overall standard of living. Nobody thinks there is a “human right” to an interstate highway system, but government funds it (sorta) because we can see the benefits. The same argument would apply to national health care. I can say this without being a socialist who thinks everything is a “right”.

Likewise if I am a capitalist who thinks that the right to intellectual property starts and ends with its owner, that doesn’t mean that they HAVE to maintain the strictest control of it. The approach that WotC had taken with the OGL when it first came out was not only good PR, it promoted the hobby in the long run by expanding it beyond the resources of one company.

Basically, Open Gaming License 1.1 flipped the benefit of OGL 1.0 where 1.0 allowed you as third-party creators to have a royalty-free use of the material as long as you acknowledged the brand ownership, and OGL 1.1 means Wizards has royalty-free rights to YOUR material if you want to use the brand. Which, given the size and power relationships between the individual and the corporation, makes one deal a lot better than the other. Depending on perspective.

Simply put, there was NO reason for a smaller publisher to take WotC’s OGL 1.1 if Wizards had all rights to their product and the corporation can make use of their creativity at no charge.

Why was the corporation so hellbent on killing the old Open Gaming License even with the pushback? They’ve offered a few reasons, some of which are more plausible than others but none of which are really convincing.

For one, both the presented OGL 1.1 and the prospective 1.2 version dictate a morality clause. It currently reads, “You will not include content in Your Licensed Works that is harmful, discriminatory, illegal, obscene or harassing, or engage in conduct that is harmful, discriminatory, illegal, obscene or harassing.” In his January 19 post on D&D Beyond, WotC executive Kyle Brink said: “One key reason why we have to deauthorize [OGL 1.0.a]: We can’t use the protective options in 1.2 if someone can just choose to publish harmful, discriminatory, or illegal content under 1.0a.” The phrasing indicates that “harmful or discriminatory” refers to politically incorrect, sexist or other such content, which is basically the sort of woo-woo wokeism that alienates a lot of older and right-wing fans from Wizards. Here’s the thing, with one conspicuous exception, I don’t see any game company who sees regressive politics as a selling point. WotC’s main competitor in the hobby, Paizo, is probably more politically correct than they are. The broader concern is not a company’s rational desire to not be associated with demeaning material, but their potential to veto any expression they don’t like for any reason at all. It’s that much more obvious this is a control play when the license not only says “We have the sole right to decide what conduct or content is hateful, and you covenant that you will not contest any such determination via any suit or other legal action” but again, refers to both game content AND “conduct.”

Because VTTs and similar media were not really a thing around the time of 3rd Edition, OGL 1.2 contained a specific page on the subject. It says that just regular old video conferencing to play games is okay. It states (for instance) that “features that don’t replicate your dining room table storytelling”, such as a video animation of a Magic Missle spell, are not allowed.

The “harmful” content premise can be dealt with via other legal means, or, in the case of fake TSR, refers to a publisher that has much less legal right to old TSR materials than Wizards does, and is small enough to where their infamy will not reflect on the larger corporation. The focus on newer forms of media is more relevant and more pertinent.

One big clue should have been Hasbro’s investor presentation conference on December 8, where Wizards’ new CEO stated that the company is “under-monetized.” (The press reports that Hasbro revenues surpassed 1 billion dollars for the first time in 2021, with $952 million of that being Wizards’ products including D&D and Magic: The Gathering, with tabletop games being 74 percent of the figure. Wizards is under-monetized the way Disney is under-monetized.)

Specifically, Cynthia Williams noted that while Dungeon Masters are only about 20 percent of the player base, they make up most of the spending, since unlike other players they need all the books. The Bell of Lost Souls article indicates the company was aiming to increase the level of gamer spending to create a “recurrent spending environment” among players who are not also gamemasters. How? Digital D&D. After all, that’s where the money is. That just gets into a broader issue in the culture where things are becoming more “virtual.” Like, you don’t pick up a box game and invite your friends over to play it. You download the game off a service, and if it has multiplayer option, you invite your friends to play it on a network. But that means a lot of the software is in the cloud or subject to company control, and they can change the end-user agreement at any time.

Basically, WotC tried to take things in a new direction in order to gain greater dominance of the market, and they can’t do that under the terms of the original Open Game License, so they tried to get rid of it.

We know this because they already have. In 2008, WotC came up with D&D 4th Edition, which used a more restrictive game license called the Game System License (GSL) that is not compatible with OGL. Part of this was an attempt to cork the genie back into the bottle and get more control over third-party product. Anyone who signed on to use the GSL for 4E could no longer produce product under the 3rd Edition OGL; however by its own wording the OGL remained in effect for anyone who wished to keep making 3rd Edition material. Which is how Paizo developed the first Pathfinder RPG, being basically a revision of D&D 3.5 Edition with the serial numbers filed off. This succeeded largely because Wizards’ D&D 4th could be expressed in the mathematical formula Suck/Ass. Well, actually, it wasn’t that bad as a fantasy-theme miniatures combat game, it just sucked as a roleplaying game, which believe it or not is not the same thing. Story elements were eclipsed by the tactical element and the emphasis on your character’s role within a team; like, your Rogue wasn’t just a rogue, he was a “Striker”, which brings to mind association football more than fantasy adventure.

As WotC continued to spring bigger leaks than the Titanic, it was revealed that One D&D is supposed to be emphasizing the digital sphere. “Homebrew” virtual content was at first not allowed, but supposedly they went back on that with 1.2. The base game with maximum options was supposed to be 30 dollars a month, including monthly “drops” and other microtransactions. “This would increase the amount of money that is coming from every single table by a degree of 10. What that means is, if they lose some of their player base, people who aren’t willing to shell out cash for D&D Beyond subscriptions, well it doesn’t really matter. Because they have to lose ten people for every one person who pays. Let me put that another way: They could potentially lose 90 percent of the player base of Dungeons & Dragons – and they would be UP money.”

One of the forums I participate in heard about this and one of the guys said, “They’re expecting 30 dollars a month for a crappy MMORPG?” Heck, World of Warcraft is a crappy MMORPG, and that’s less than $15 a month!

Seriously, there are games like WoW or Path Of Exile that offer a fantasy gaming experience for either cheap or free-to-play with add-ons, and Wizards would have to come up with something seriously over and beyond the video standard that’s already been established if they want to justify thirty dollars a month. Specifically, it would have to be a role-playing game experience in the video medium, as opposed to a video game with RPG elements. I mean, again, Wizards already tried making a tabletop RPG that played like a MMORPG, that was 4th Edition.

Which is what gets to the real problem. If this new online project was so knock-your-socks-off that it would justify $30 per month, I think a lot of people would have jumped to the new paradigm and (given the profit margin) it wouldn’t matter so much if the tabletop community took a hike or got left behind. The question is whether the current company could pull that off. Wizards’ biggest projects in the last year for D&D were 5th Edition versions of beloved old lines like Dragonlance and Spelljammer, and those were… not well received. Not to mention, a great example of why Wizards is in no position to judge anyone else for discriminatory content. So the new license seemed less like an attempt to copyright something new and unique to the company and more an attempt to smother competition in an area where other companies have already proven superior.

John Nephew, publisher of Atlas Games, made a pretty good point. Posting on Mastodon and Twitter, he said, “One of the great values of OGL 1.0a is that it sidesteps the orphan works problem of copyright law. You know how we’ve lost so many works of the early 20th century because no one would take a chance on publishing or invest in preserving, due to ambiguous legal status? Open Game Content can be used and re-used and derived-from even if you can’t reach the copyright holder or even determine who it now is if, for example, someone dies.” And in response to another commenter, he said, “The whole essence of RPGs is collaboration and shared creation, right? Our entire hobby is an offense against the foundations of modern corporate-written copyright law. “

Author Cory Doctorow recently had a counter to this point, saying “The OGL predates the Creative Commons licenses, but it neatly illustrates the problem with letting corporate lawyers – rather than public-interest nonprofits – unleash “open” licenses on an unsuspecting, legally unsophisticated audience. … the OGL is a grossly defective instrument that is significantly worse than useless. …The OGL is a license that only grants you permission to use the things that WOTC can’t copyright – “the game mechanic [including] the methods, procedures, processes and routines.” In other words, the OGL gives you permission to use things you don’t need permission to use. …it’s not just that the OGL fails to give you rights – it actually takes away rights you already have to D&D. That’s because – as Walsh points out – fair use and the other copyright limitations and exceptions give you rights to use D&D content, but the OGL is a contract whereby you surrender those rights, promising only to use D&D stuff according to WOTC’s explicit wishes.”

Now others would argue (I’m sure Ryan Dancey would argue) that the document simply clarifies what rights you have to Wizards’ product without having to go to court over what constitutes “copyright”, but that just gets into why the OGL had utility for as long as it did and why it has suddenly turned out to be unreliable. As long as the Open Gaming License (or its equivalent) was under the control of the company that owned the brand it applied to, there was no reason they couldn’t just reset it to whatever they wanted to whenever they wanted. Nobody cared because (as Doctorow states) the OGL was before the Creative Commons concept, and it was certainly progressive for the time. Dancey seemed to think that the wording was sufficiently clear that the company couldn’t “rugpull” the way Doctorow describes, but Wizards was willing to gamble that it’s not. And part of that is for the reason Doctorow describes: Simply agreeing to use the (original) OGL takes away your rights to what would otherwise be fair-use content.

The irony is that nobody really cared up until a few weeks ago and they would not have had Wizards of the Coast, by its own actions, revealed just why the Open Game License is (and in retrospect, always was) a liability to third-party game publishers. And that goes to the deeper irony- no one needed to care. Because there was an arrangement, perhaps inadvertent: Wizards would let third parties publish D&D related stuff, which promoted D&D to the exclusion of everything else in the market. And in exchange for Wizards letting those companies use their brand for “free”, those companies de-emphasized everything else they could have been doing with other game systems. (It also meant that Wizards didn’t need to spend a lot of money on legal cases that weren’t guaranteed to go their way.)

So when Wizards tried to seize control of that product on the grounds that it (or its core material) belongs to them, they were blanking out the fact that were it not for the Open Game License, that product would not have even been created.

This is my take.

Any change to a new edition of a game system is always going to get some push back with some ‘grognards’ preferring the old version. There are right ways and wrong ways to do it. In at least one case, I have seen an owner state, hey, we’re going to make a new edition, I have these ideas on how it’s going to work. The owner would post on the company’s website or some other community resource and go over the ideas and subject them to public debate. It was made clear that the owner had final say, but they wanted to make sure that people knew what was going on, and fans had some input on the process. Wizards did not do it that way. It is pretty clear from the way things leaked and WotC’s awkward, staged response that their proposed changes were NOT a draft. The removal of OGL 1.0 was to be presented as a coup, or in other French language, a fait accompli, which the community would just have to accept because they couldn’t do anything about it.

The other big mistake of Wizards of the Coast – which, like a lot of this story, could have been avoided if the bean counters in charge knew anything about the culture of their customers – is that they decided to slide a document change on the community of gamers that inspired phrases like “rules lawyer” and “min-maxer”.

The corporation’s position was, we have rights to all your material if you’re going to use our brand. The community called the bluff and said, we don’t HAVE to use your brand. So Wizards backtracked and their best chance for killing OGL 1.0 was that the legal language of new OGL does not retroactively invalidate anything done previously, you just can’t do any new material with the new SRD without signing on to the new OGL. But that basically put them back in the same position they were in with D&D 4th Edition, and we all know how that went.

The fact that the community always had the option to quit using WotC official material meant that the corporation was going to be put in that position anyway. But the difference between openly starting with that position and doing it the way WotC did is that the way they did it alienated a lot of people, not just those who were suspicious of the company in the first place but those who were neutral or otherwise supportive. There was no reason to accept the company’s terms for an OGL 1.1 because they were so one-sided. There was no reason to accept OGL 1.2, 2.0 or whatever it would be because now no one can trust that they won’t go back on it. And this has attracted the attention of Forbes, the Washington Post and a whole bunch of other serious outlets outside gaming, and it’s not a good look. (Keep in mind, Hasbro also owns Monopoly and other properties from Parker Brothers, Milton Bradley, Avalon Hill and a bunch of other old companies that they bought out.) Hasbro is in the same position that old TSR was in: Have a small hobby over which you have firm control, or a larger hobby with less control. TSR chose the first option, and look what happened to them.

But that raises what might be an obvious question: Why did Wizards craft an open-source document for their properties if they knew it might be a liability to their future ambitions?

When WotC first took over TSR, Ryan Dancey and the other people involved came up with the OGL because they were thinking long-term. It was done precisely so that the D&D game would not be dependent on the existence or non-existence of TSR or whichever entity had ownership, and it wouldn’t depend on the profits going up Gary Gygax’ nose, or into Lorraine Williams’ hidden accounts, or anywhere other than keeping the company solvent.

(I mean there’s at least one ‘orphan’ non-D20 system I think would fit this scenario, but for diplomacy’s sake, I won’t elaborate.)

Now, WotC is a much bigger company than TSR now, and it’s subsidiary to an even bigger corporation, but the last year has shown us that billionaires can blow away truly astounding levels of profit for the sake of pique.

If so much of what constitutes “D&D” and role-playing cannot be copyrighted, Wizards’ creation of the OGL was their attempt to make sure they had some control of the brand. But that means they own the game license and always have the potential to change it. The only solution is what Paizo and the other “ORC” participants are doing, which is to create a license that isn’t owned by any one company, because Wizards could keep doing this as long as the license to their product is owned by the company that has the product. And if property rights are to mean anything, that’s the bottom line.

But if the gaming community cannot force Wizards to give completely free rights to their intellectual property, by the same token, Wizards cannot force the community to accept the terms for that property. They can always create product using something else.

The community seems to have learned that lesson almost too late. Whereas Wizards seems to have learned it perhaps too late.

If nothing else, I think gamers are going to be looking at their EULAs a lot more carefully now.

I SAID, ‘Ha, HA.’

It ended up taking a historic fifteen votes for the Republican-majority House of Representatives to finally elect Kevin McCarthy (BR.-California). Decidedly no thanks to Matt Gaetz (BR.-Florida), who supposedly made a deal on Friday with a few other holdouts like Paul Gosar and Lauren Boebert to vote “present” and lower the threshold needed for victory. So in order to be extra Drama Queen, Gaetz withheld his vote when called in hopes of being the guy to make the decision, but when roll call came back to him he still voted “present” even once it became clear McCarthy would still end up short. This led to a whole bunch of arguing and haggling in real time on the floor, culminating in Mike Rogers (BR.-Alabama) having to be restrained from reaching over and pasting Gaetz. Rogers’ own colleague, Tim Burchett of Tennessee, joked that “People shouldn’t be drinking, especially when you’re a redneck, on the House floor.” Or as Jeff Foxworthy would say, “if you’re a Republican Congressman… you might be a redneck.”

(After the fact, Rogers and Gaetz made up and apologized to each other. Gaetz actually said we need more cameras in Congress to show what representatives are doing. Well, that’s one thing I can actually agree with Gaetz on. At least Congress can be entertaining, if it’s too much for them to pass laws and do their jobs.)

But that seemed to be just enough embarrassment that other Republicans got the last holdouts like Matt Rosendale (BR.-Montana) to at least switch from “anybody but this guy” to “present” and McCarthy got nominated after midnight on what was then Saturday morning. It was always questionable whether doing the same thing over and over again would ever work, but apparently McCarthy’s approach of just caving on everything to everybody put the burden on his opponents as to why they still needed to oppose him. Gaetz was actually quoted as saying he was having trouble maintaining his leverage because he ran out of things to ask for. And really, I think it just came down to the same reason the Greedy Old Puritans are still following Donald Trump: They don’t have the imagination to come up with new ideas, no matter how clearly the current ideas have failed.

After the basic formalities, the leader of the opposition got to the podium. Hakeem Jeffries (D.-New York) had gotten all 212 Democrats to vote for him on every one of these ballots. And he gave an oration that was the exact opposite of a concession speech. It quickly became famous for the part where he said, “We will never compromise our principles. We’ll always put American values over autocracy, benevolence over bigotry, the Constitution over the cult, democracy over demagogues, economic opportunity over extremism, freedom over fascism …” and it became clear around that point that he was going to be making these comparisons with every letter of the alphabet, ending with “Yes We Can over ‘you can’t do it’, and zealous representation over zero sum confrontation.”

So Jeffries proved that, unlike Republicans, he knows all 26 letters, not just Q and Z.

Then McCarthy finally got to speak. On paper, it was a decent speech, and points to him if he wrote it himself (which a lot of politicians don’t). But his delivery was a dull, plaintive whine that explains why hardly anybody has respect for him. One key point was where he said, “If this week proved anything, it’s this: I never give up.” But the joke is that in order to get the status of power, he had to give up everything that gives the Speaker power, like giving the caucus the right to challenge him with just one vote. It’s sort of like if you had one of those royal succession wars like in Westeros or real-world France or Spain, and one candidate makes deals with the courtiers and rival nobles to give them all the powers of the kingship in exchange for being allowed to hold the title, and he also has to be the piss boy who runs around the court with a bucket for anyone who wants to relieve themselves. Yes, you’re the pissboy, but you get to wear the crown. It’s good to be the King.

The line of the night was probably in a Daily Beast article: “I just think we should check in,” quipped Rep. Adam Smith (D-WA), “and make sure McCarthy still has two kidneys.”

The first bill the McCarthy House passed was an attempt to reverse the recent funding increase for the IRS. Among the first business of the week was a bill to prosecute abortionists if they do not attempt to resuscitate fetuses that are born alive, when there is already a 2002 federal law for that effect. The Party of Trump now wants to defund the Department of Homeland Security because they allegedly aren’t securing the border, when the whole reason the agency even exists was because the last Republican government before Trump wanted another government bureaucracy to club brown-skinned people with. Not only that, the original Open Gaming License is no longer an enforceable document and anything you make under the new License means Wizards of the Coast has rights to all your stuff.

The “Freedom Caucus” might think they won something, but really, what they got was what Democrats got when they finally took the Senate from Mitch McConnell: the most technical of majorities in which one dissent can kill any initiative because dissent in the ranks means they aren’t really a majority, and in order to have the advantages of one, they have to let a couple of prima donnas (like Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema) turn them all into the supporting cast of their personal opera.

This may or may not matter as much as it did with the Democrats, because Joe Biden actually managed to work with the prima donnas and other legislators to get things done in the stretch. But there was still a lot that “progressives” wanted and couldn’t get. I say it won’t matter as much to Republicans, because they don’t care about boojie shit like “legislation” and “public service” and would rather just stage witch hunts in committee rooms in the afternoon then go on Fox News after 8 pm to brag about how butch they are.
And it seems we don’t even know what Kevin gave away to be King Pissboy. For all the talk that Gaetz and others make about “democracy” and “transparency”, Axios reported that the real details of how the House operates under McCarthy are determined by a “private document that only some House Republicans have seen and others refuse to talk about“. Even conservatives like Nancy Mace of South Carolina told Axios “What I am raising hell about is whatever potential backroom deals may have been done.” So you can imagine what Democrats are thinking. I’m not sure what the Republicans have to hide. I don’t see what could be more discrediting than supporting Kevin McCarthy.

Some of the Republican ideas, like a committee to investigate our dependence on China, and a demand that legislation not be voted on without 72 hours notice, are not bad at all. But even when Republicans could count to eleven without pulling down their pants, you could never get them to do anything that would actually reduce the size of government (again, see the Department of Homeland Security) or protect individual freedom, let alone cut spending and taxes in enough proportion to dent the deficit. So naturally they’re less believable on old “conservative” issues like libertarianism and national defense and more believable on Trumpnik issues like abortion prohibition and pursuing grudges. Like with Ukraine, where their demand to cut funding to the Zelenskyy government is less about fiscal prudence or isolationism and more about the fact that their Master’s Master would rather that he get to complete his genocide without anyone fighting back.

The only problem with letting the kids run the playpen for two years is that we still need two houses of Congress to pass a budget, and most of these brats would rather not pass a budget. Again, not because of any fiscal conservative desire to force Democrats to impose some budget discipline, but because FUCK YOU, That’s Why. They seem to forget that every single time that Republicans forced a government shutdown over the debt, even under Trump, the public relations hit and bureaucratic consequences were such that it always weakened the Republican position in the long run, which is why such standoffs have always ended. But then if Republicans had a long-term memory, they would remember that Joe Biden won the election. As it is, everyone is scared that continued standoff would wreck the US government’s “full faith and credit” and backing of our national debt, which already took a hit in 2011 during the Obama Administration. And if a budget standoff has the global effects that all the conventional thinkers fear, that will end up wrecking the world economy. And as with previous standoffs, voters aren’t going to blame Democrats even if a Democrat is president. Everyone assumes that certain seats are “safe” for Republicans but if they prove themselves to be sufficiently malign and incompetent, even some of those safe Republican states and districts might fall to Democrats, as Georgia and Arizona did in the last few cycles.

At that point Mike Rogers is going to have to get in line behind Mitch McConnell, Dan Crenshaw, and a few other Republicans to kick Matt Gaetz’ ass.

Assuming of course that such cockamamie ideas can even get off the ground. After all, there’s nothing in the Republicans’ little agreement (from what we know of it) that says that a Democrat can’t be the one to call a no-confidence vote on the Speaker. But then they know that if they called that play, the Republicans might go back to conference and find a Speaker with balls.

Like Nancy Pelosi.